"The wound is the place where the light enters you." Rumi, poet
Some years ago, my brother, Steve, shot himself. Steve never recovered from the horrors of Vietnam, and he battled with drug and alcohol addiction.
My mother, who was a deeply spiritual person, and a psychotherapist grieved deeply. Both of us searched for answers as to how to go on. At the time we weren’t looking for any spiritual breakthrough, we just wanted any sort of help and hope and relief from our deep pain.
What got us largely through was a maxim my mother took seriously. She came up with it herself after years of working with people who had experienced suffering, setbacks, and deep grief. “Don’t waste your suffering or sorrow.” It was our command to ourselves. But we didn’t really have a process, just a maxim.
How could we use our suffering and sorrow to grow? Many religious people, especially the mystics believed that suffering, grief, and setbacks can be a profound, transformative path to deep understanding, compassion, and resilience.
But how? Here’s how I would lay out a plan today for not wasting your suffering and sorrow.
The first part might be the hardest: Embrace the experience.
Instead of resisting suffering or trying to avoid it, allow yourself to fully feel and acknowledge your pain. This can be done through meditation, journaling, or simply sitting with the emotions. Recognizing the reality of suffering can foster acceptance, which is the first step toward transformation. It’s about letting go of the struggle against pain and acknowledging it as a part of life’s natural rhythm. Part of what it means to be a human. We will have times of grief and suffering and sorrow and setbacks.
The second part – Seek meaning in the pain.
Viktor Frankl believed that finding meaning in suffering is essential for (spiritual) growth. This involves asking questions like: What can this pain teach me? How might this experience deepen my understanding of life or my connection to others? By shifting the focus from "Why is this happening to me?" to "What can I learn from this?", we can discover a deeper purpose that guides us through adversity.
Third - Practice compassion for yourself (and others).
Grief and setbacks can open the heart to a deeper sense of empathy and connection with others. Recognize your own suffering as a shared human experience—everyone faces struggles. As you extend compassion to yourself, it can naturally extend to others, fostering a sense of interconnectedness and unity.
4. This fourth one is a little hard to understand and I admit I’m not very good at it. Cultivate a mindset of surrender.
We can misunderstand what is meant by surrendering. In this context it does not mean giving up, but rather letting go of the need to control outcomes. Some spiritual people use the word “trust.” They trust that there is a greater purpose or wisdom at work, even when the way forward is unclear. Many use practices like one called “lectio divina” which I can tell you more about if you’re interested (email me). The practice invites us to listen for divine guidance. Frankl, himself, looked for guidance through his difficult ordeal.
5. And you see many people who have suffered greatly, grieved greatly, experienced overwhelming trauma do this - Transform suffering into service.
One of the most powerful ways to grow spiritually through pain is to use it as a catalyst for helping others. Consider how your experience of suffering might enable you to support those going through similar challenges. This can be through acts of kindness, sharing your story, or simply offering a listening ear. It’s a way of turning personal pain into a source of collective healing. More on this toward the end of the blog along with the next part.
6. Lastly, reflect and integrate.
After each difficult experience, take time to reflect on how it has changed you. This might involve journaling, engaging in deep conversation with a trusted mentor (wisdom or compassion group), or participating in spiritual rituals that help integrate the lessons learned. Reflect on questions like: How has my understanding of life, faith, or the divine evolved? In what ways have I become more resilient or compassionate? This reflection allows the growth from suffering to be fully internalized, turning it into spiritual wisdom and posttraumatic growth.
This process is not about rushing through or dismissing pain but embracing it as a sacred space for transformation. As the poet Rumi said, "The wound is the place where the light enters you." It is in these broken spaces that new life and spiritual depth can emerge.
As I mentioned, one of the most powerful true stories of someone who used suffering to grow spiritually is that of Viktor Frankl, the renowned psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor. Frankl’s experiences in Nazi concentration camps, where he faced unimaginable suffering, provided the foundation for his philosophy and therapeutic approach known as logotherapy, which emphasizes finding meaning in life, even amidst suffering.
In 1942, Viktor Frankl, along with his wife and parents, was deported to a concentration camp, eventually ending up in Auschwitz. There, he faced the death of his loved ones, the loss of his professional achievements, and the constant threat of his own life being taken. Amid this profound suffering, Frankl observed how different individuals responded to their circumstances. He saw that while some prisoners gave up hope, others found strength in small acts of kindness and in maintaining a sense of purpose, despite the horrors surrounding them.
During his time in the camps, Frankl realized that while he could not change his situation, he could choose his response to it. He began to focus on the inner freedom that remained when all else was stripped away. Frankl reflected on the love he had for his wife and imagined himself giving lectures after the war, helping others understand the human capacity to endure. This sense of purpose and meaning gave him the strength to continue, even in the direst of conditions.
Frankl later wrote about this experience in his influential book, I have mentioned before and I’m sure everyone has read at some point - Man’s Search for Meaning. He observed that “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” His suffering became the seed for a philosophy that has helped millions find meaning in their lives, especially in times of hardship.
Let’s look at precisely how Frankl dealt with and used his suffering.
1. He embraced the experience: Frankl did not deny the suffering around him; he faced it with open eyes, recognizing its reality. Yet, he sought to maintain a sense of inner life and dignity amidst his deprivation.
2. He sought meaning in the pain: Frankl found meaning in imagining a future beyond the camps, a future where he would share his experiences and help others find meaning in their suffering. This vision gave him a sense of hope and purpose.
3. He practiced compassion for others: Even in the camps, Frankl tried to comfort fellow prisoners and help them find reasons to continue living. He witnessed how acts of kindness, even in such dire conditions, could restore a sense of humanity.
4. He cultivated a mindset of surrender: Frankl understood that he could not control the external circumstances of the camp. Instead, he focused on maintaining his inner freedom—the freedom to choose his thoughts and to find meaning.
5. He transformed his suffering into service: After surviving the Holocaust, Frankl dedicated his life to sharing what he learned about resilience and meaning, helping countless individuals find purpose in their struggles through his teachings and writings.
6. Frankl deliberately reflected about his experience and integrated his learning. Through his book and the creation of logotherapy, Frankl transformed his suffering into a universal message that encourages people to find meaning in all aspects of life, even the most painful ones.
Viktor Frankl’s story shows how profound suffering can become a gateway to a deeper spiritual understanding and a commitment to helping others. His life stands as a testament to the transformative power of meaning and the spiritual growth that can emerge when one courageously faces suffering and doesn’t waste their suffering.
I have another continual prayer I use in tough times. I’ve mentioned it before. It combines self-compassion and the idea of not wasting our sorrow:
This is a difficult time (I put my hand over my heart). May I be healthy, may I be happy, may I know that I am loved. May I use my suffering to become kinder, wiser, and stronger.
I’m not saying that using our suffering is easy nor is it comfortable. Most worthwhile endeavors aren’t. But if you’re looking for a breakthrough to higher ground, it could be something to remember.
And last, as I reflect on this subject, it reminds me of a powerful dream I had during this time of dealing with my brother's suicide. I was in a hospital bed.
I was trying to get well, but I was wounded. The healing seemed to involve blowing a hunting horn of the type we played in Germany. It is basically a long-coiled brass tube. When I awoke, the message I was hearing was, “You’ve got to wind the wound around.”
What did that mean? I thought it referred to the idea of not wasting the wound - using it somehow in service, and it was later that I ran into another idea about how to use your wounds to help others heal.
Swiss psychiatrist, Carl Jung, is the one who came up with or perhaps popularized the idea of the power of the wounded healer. Jung believed that the wounds of the healer could become a source of strength and compassion when properly processed…allowing them to relate to others on a deeper level.
This idea is common in many helping professions where a practitioners’ personal experience with pain or hardship can enhance their ability to connect with and support their patients. But more broadly the wounded healer is one who has endured suffering and is able to skillfully offer wisdom and comfort to others. That’s another tremendous gift that suffering can potentially offer – the power of the wounded healer, the one who has learned to wind the wound around.
Finally, as I close on this for now, I'm grateful to a friend in Florida who just survived yet another hurricane for getting me to think about this subject. He's the one who seems to be able to turn his troubles into spiritual adventures. I'm asking him what exactly he does.
There's increasing research these days on posttraumatic growth and resilience. We are learning more each day. Some of us are also awed by the unique opening of a spiritual portal during the toughest of times which offers incredible resources for profound healing and power to help others. I'm waiting to hear back from my friend on his thoughts and experience. So maybe more on this later. Until then...
How might we journey together to The Good Life by learning how to not waste our sorrow and suffering and instead wind it around to help us become stronger, wiser, and more compassionate?
(How have you used your setbacks, sorrow, and suffering for growth? What helped you or is helping you?)
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