Between stimulus and response there's a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. Dr. Viktor Frank.
Yesterday I was on a zoom call meeting with several highly intelligent and accomplished people who had worked diligently for a couple of years on an innovative project aimed to help the citizens of Washington state. Part of the meeting was open to public citizens. One person appeared. It seemed that this person’s aim was to rattle cages. And he succeeded.
A couple of civil yet derogatory comments hurled by the citizen in the public meeting landed like missiles particularly for one group member. Three minutes later, the brilliant man whom everyone credited with doing most of the work on the project threw up his hands and said, “I’m done. You’ll have my resignation today.”
What? I couldn’t believe it. It was totally out of character. This brilliant man was knocked off center so quickly and easily. His emotions popped up out of nowhere and undid him. He was ready to walk away from a project in which he had invested his heart and soul ...within a snap of the fingers.
The situation reminded me of another emotional hijacking story told by our compassion mentor, Dr. Frank Rogers, Jr. The main character in the story is Nick, a friend of Frank’s.
Nick found out about a silent peace vigil organized by a Quaker group after the invasion of Iraq, in the wake of 9/11. Nick thought he’d just show up and be a peaceful presence at a busy intersection in his town. He was a long-time meditator and even a teacher of contemplative practices.
The Quaker woman in charge of the peace vigil told Nick that he could join the group, but to remember that their gathering was designed as "an oasis of peace" in a war feverish time. Respect and courtesy was to be shown to all they encountered despite rude actions of others who might honk their horns, give them the finger, or yell at them. Again, it was a silent vigil – let peace speak for itself.
“No problem,” Nick told the Quaker woman, “I’m a teacher of meditation.” Then he scrawled a sign, “Peace for our children” and held it up.
Within moments a pickup truck stopped at the red light in front of Nick. A man rolled down his windows and spat out, “Your kids would be dead if we lived in Iraq.”
Nick, the seasoned meditator, spat right back, “YOUR children will be dead if we keep bombing innocent people.”
“Don’t talk about my children!”
“Don’t talk about mine! I want peace for them all.”
“I’ll show you peace!”
“Show me, I’m right here!”
Oops.
Then the gentle arm of the Quaker woman wrapped around Nick’s shoulder. She whispered in his ear, “That’s okay. Just take a deep breath. Why don’t we go for a little walk?”
The point is that we can all get hijacked, triggered. Even the most brilliant and best of us. We do things impulsively that aren’t in our own and others’ best interest, behave in ways that don’t align with our values. It’s helpful to know this about ourselves as human beings.
Our grandkids were with us for a few days. At one point, two of the kids were lobbying for mac and cheese. One of them lobbied intensely. I wasn’t thinking this was a good time for mac and cheese, but they were set on it.
Finally, I yelled over the fray, “Okay, mac and cheese!”
The raised voice sent one of them scurrying out of the room to find sanctuary away from the crazed grandmother. At that point I got hold of myself. Metaphorically put an arm on my own shoulder like the Quaker woman. And said to myself, “It’s okay. Take a breath. You got a little triggered there.”
Then I was able to go to my granddaughter, acknowledge that the back and forth around food, the mac and cheese, triggered me and hijacked my brain. I had taken a breath, was better, and could sanely discuss what we would have for dinner.
It helps me, and probably all of us, to remember that we are subject to hijacking, be alert and be aware of our triggers. Maybe someone cuts us off in traffic, maybe someone doesn’t invite us to their party, maybe someone criticizes our work, maybe we can’t get the dang computer to work as it should. So many possibilities in our everyday lives for our emotions to act up and make us act a little nuts if we don’t understand what could and does happen to human beings.
We need ways of putting some space between our emotions and our behaviors, between our impulses and actions to keep from getting carried away by them. Viktor Frankl, the famous psychiatrist and survivor of a Nazi prison camp, said this:
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
Becoming aware of our emotions and internal states can give us a little edge, make a bit of a wedge between stimulus and response. Taking a breath. Taking a walk are ways of becoming less activated by our emotions. Emotion gurus tell us that another way we can help ourselves is simply to notice what is happening inside us, to acknowledge it – name the emotion. It’s that “name it to tame it” adage. It’s helps us from getting carried away and acting in ways that don’t serve us or our values.
We are seeking that solid ground, that space (to mix metaphors).
“Take a breath” – a long, deep three or four breaths with the exhale longer than the inhale. That’s always a good place to start when we notice we are activated, hijacked, or triggered – fearful, angry, worried. We know now that this sort of breathing prods the relaxation system in our bodies. It stabilizes our oxygen mixture, steadies our heartbeat, calms our tensed muscles and recalibrates our bodies.
I read a book years ago by Dr. Herbert Benson who was a cardiologist and founder of the Mind/Body Institute at Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston – this was before we in the West had much use for the idea of the mind and body being integrated. The book was called The Relaxation Response. Benson was also a founding trustee of The American Institute of Stress. The relaxation response deactivates the stress response, that was the major concept. Benson said that over and over and provided stories and research in the book. (Also In his thinking, regularly eliciting the relaxation response could cure near everything.)
Self-awareness - noticing our triggers and emotions, breathing – activating the relaxation response, it’s good stuff and useful for us every single day of my life and maybe yours too.
John and I have talked often about how much we care about improving relationships and cultivating compassion… and we work on it a lot. And…we have gotten better at it. Still life happens; it can all go to hell quickly. That’s the truth.
That’s what I’m working on the most these days (stimulus and response; reactivity and emotional hijacking), I'm calling it emotional triggernometry. You can learn from what I’m learning, struggling with, getting back up and trying again. Here’s what I mean about you learning from my failures and struggles.
The Journal of Experimental Psychology had an article just this year about failure and learning from failure. Most of us don’t learn all that much from our failures. We have heard that failure, trial and error, makes us smarter, but that’s only if we truly learn from it…and we usually don’t. Why?
Ego. Of course. We defend our egos at great cost to our opportunity to learn. We don’t reflect much on why we failed and how we can do better. BUT here’s the good part - we CAN learn quite a bit from the struggles of OTHERS.
That’s my hope, that my failures, falls, struggles not only help me, but also you. I appreciate it when you share your struggles and learnings with me as well. It’s all for the good.
How might we journey together to The Good Life by learning how to deal with our emotional hijacking and triggers?
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