Living gratefully begins with affirming the good and recognizing its sources. It is the understanding that life owes me nothing and all the good I have is a gift, accompanied by an awareness that nothing can be taken for granted. Dr. Robert Emmons, gratitude researcher
This morning, I was blown away while having coffee with Rueben Mayes. In case you live on Mars when it comes to football like I do, according to Wikipedia here is the extremely abbreviated version of who Rueben Mayes is. He was a former professional football player who was a running back in the National Football League (NFL) from 1986 to 1993. He played college football for the Washington State Cougars, earning consensus All-American honors. He is a member of the College Football Hall of Fame.
I am impressed by that, but what really got me was that Rueben had read the blog on gratitude (thanks to Gene Sharratt), and he professed to me to be a believer when it comes to practicing gratitude. Trust me it shows!(I thought at first his glow was solely a result of his regular workouts and swimming - which I was planning to take up immediately.) It’s such a delight to be in his space.
The first little anecdote I heard from Rueben was about taking donuts to the people who worked at the hotels he stays in when he travels. (Rueben is now in philanthropy and is helping North Central Washington access more comprehensive pediatric care through the expansion of the highly esteemed Seattle Children’s Hospital which is a non-profit organization. Their work is incredible. Children’s is also supporting STEM education and medical career pathways for students in the area.)
Just know that Rueben is doing good work… both big and small. I became a truly committed Rueben fan when he divulged that he and his wife had attended a marriage retreat (some 36 or so years ago) given by the marriage guru, Dr. John Gottman (I’ve shared some of his wisdom). The big take-away from that Rueben says (which he shares with young men who come to him for advice) is three words. “Pursue your wife.” Oh man, I’m putty in his hands now.
We agreed that gratitude truly is a “game changer” (and it helps in that “pursue your wife” advice as far as I’m concerned). However, here’s the deal. Some people don’t understand that if you want to be someone like Rueben (or Dr. Gene Sharratt who was also there having coffee with John and Rueben and me), it is going to take time and practice. It’s not a one-time or overnight deal. Rueben, at 60, is still an athlete; he knows that developing new skills and attitudes takes committed practice.
I decided to write up a piece which clarifies how the building of gratitude might go in a person’s life if he or she (in this case) wanted to become more like Rueben (or Gene). I’ll call it, The Story of Claire.
In a bustling city, there lived a woman named Claire. To most people, Claire seemed to have it all: a nice apartment, a steady job, friends who checked in on her, and family who loved her. Yet, Claire often felt dissatisfied. She saw her friends' promotions and new homes, and in comparison, her life felt small. Each day she trudged through the city, focused on what she lacked rather than what she had.
One autumn morning, Claire was forced to go to work by bus instead of taking her usual walk. Grumbling to herself, she settled into her seat and pulled out her phone. As she scrolled through social media, she noticed an older woman sitting across from her, leaning against the window. The woman’s hands were worn, her clothes were simple, and her eyes were closed, a peaceful expression softening her face.
Curious, Claire watched the woman for a few moments, noting the faint smile that played on her lips. Suddenly, the woman opened her eyes and looked right at Claire, surprising her. She smiled warmly. "The rain smells so lovely today, doesn’t it?” she said, nodding to the mist outside.
Claire felt herself smile in return, surprised by the woman’s joy in something she hadn’t noticed.
That small exchange stuck with Claire through the day. She began to wonder what it was like to feel such simple joy, and the thought stirred something inside her. She decided on a whim, to try an experiment. That night, she bought a small notebook and wrote down three things she was grateful for: a warm cup of tea, a good book, and, unexpectedly, the woman on the bus.
Over the next week, Claire kept writing small things in her notebook, even if it felt forced. Each time she noticed something — the smell of fresh bread, a call from her mom, a cozy blanket — she added it to her list. At first, the habit felt awkward, like pretending to be someone else. But slowly, things began to change.
One evening, Claire ran into her old friend, Michael. They walked through the park, reminiscing, and Michael shared that he’d been struggling with his job. “It’s hard,” he said. “I just feel like I’m never enough.”
Claire looked at him and, without thinking, shared her gratitude experiment. “I know how you feel,” she said. “I felt stuck too. But I’ve been writing things down every day, even if they’re tiny. It feels strange, but somehow, it’s made me feel… lighter.” She surprised herself as she spoke. The habit had reshaped her, even if subtly.
Claire noticed her mind slowly shifting. Where she used to find only frustrations, she saw little glimpses of beauty and connection. The frustrations didn’t disappear, but they no longer took center stage. Instead, she had room for appreciation, for the people and moments that brightened her day.
Months later, on her way home from work, she saw the older woman on the bus again. This time, she looked directly at her and said, “You’re right. The rain smells beautiful.” The woman’s smile lit up her face, and Claire, feeling the familiar warmth of gratitude, smiled back.
Let’s take a break here from the early chapters of Claire’s story: Some of us need to understand the mechanism of how this all works to believe in it and be motivated to stick with it. Here’s a look at how it works, based on research from neuroscience and psychology.
Practicing gratitude engages the brain’s neuroplasticity — its ability to form and reorganize synaptic connections in response to learning and experiences. This process rewires neural pathways, but it requires consistent effort over time to see lasting changes. Gratitude activates the brain's reward system, particularly involving regions like the medial prefrontal cortex (associated with positive reflection and judgment), the anterior cingulate cortex, and the ventromedial prefrontal cortex, which help reinforce the feel-good effects of gratitude. This reinforcement leads to habitual gratitude-oriented thinking.
Repeated gratitude practice strengthens neural circuits that connect positive thinking with emotional responses, slowly making gratitude a more automatic emotional response. Just like learning a new skill, it takes time and repetition to lay down new pathways and decrease reliance on negative or neutral thought patterns.
A one-time experience of gratitude may possibly bring a very temporary boost in mood if you replay it mentally for a while, but building a mindset of gratitude typically requires quite sustained practice. Research indicates that it often takes about 8 to 12 weeks of regular gratitude practice to notice enduring changes in one's outlook and emotional patterns. This duration allows the repeated activation of gratitude-related circuits, which reinforces these neural pathways, making gratitude a more natural and effortless perspective.
And some people need specific ideas of how to practice gratitude before they’ll listen further to Claire’s Story, hence:
1. Gratitude Journaling: [By now everyone knows this one.] Write down three things you’re grateful for daily [some people get big benefits by even doing this weekly like on a Sunday]. These don’t have to be major events — even small comforts like a warm bed or a friendly conversation can train the brain to notice positives.
2. Sensory Gratitude: Use your senses to feel gratitude. While eating, for example, focus on the flavor and texture of your food. Or, while outside, note the feel of the breeze or the colors around you. By engaging the senses, you root gratitude in the present moment.
3. Thank-You Letter or Note: Write a thank-you letter to someone who has impacted you positively, even if you don’t send it. Putting gratitude into words can help you appreciate relationships more deeply. [I actually wrote a gratitude letter to a dead man and it made me cry with joy.]
4. Mental Reframe: When you feel frustrated or disappointed, try to identify one thing within the situation you can be grateful for. For instance, if you’re stuck in traffic, consider it a chance to listen to a podcast or reflect. [This is a biggie for me. One time I spent almost a half day with a group as we practiced how to mentally reframe various tough scenarios. For several weeks I got emails from people who said how much this helped them re-orient their brains.]
5. Gratitude Reminders: Set a reminder on your phone to take a moment and think of something you’re grateful for. Regular reminders can help you gradually make gratitude a habit.
6. Acts of Kindness: Doing small, unexpected acts of kindness can enhance gratitude by fostering empathy and appreciation.
Through consistent practice, gratitude can help retrain your brain to see more positives, fostering an outlook that enhances emotional well-being and resilience.
Back to our story…
As Claire continued her gratitude practice, something profound began shifting in her brain and attitude. Initially, it felt unnatural, like putting on a pair of shoes that didn’t quite fit. But as the days turned into weeks, the small habit began to reshape her thinking patterns and emotions in a way she didn’t fully understand.
Each time Claire paused to find something she appreciated, her brain released small bursts of dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward. These dopamine boosts gave her a mild but noticeable sense of happiness and satisfaction each time she wrote in her notebook, reinforcing her new habit of noticing the positives in her life. Her brain also activated parts of the prefrontal cortex, the region responsible for planning, decision-making, and emotional regulation. As this area was engaged with thoughts of gratitude, it helped quiet her mind’s negative loops and ease the comparisons she had been making before.
Over time, Claire’s gratitude practice began forging new neural connections. Repeatedly activating her brain’s reward centers reinforced these connections, strengthening her capacity to find and feel pleasure in ordinary moments. With each entry in her notebook, her brain became more accustomed to searching for the positive, laying down pathways that would make gratitude more automatic.
Initially, Claire’s attitude was like a closed door, locking out much of what was good around her. Her default setting was frustration, sometimes bordering on resentment, feeling like life was always just a bit lacking. But as the gratitude pathways strengthened, Claire’s mindset began to shift from scarcity to abundance. Her thoughts started centering less on what she lacked and more on the surprising, often small joys in her day.
She found herself responding to everyday inconveniences with a sense of balance. When she spilled her coffee, her first thought was no longer, why do things like this always happen to me? Instead, she could find some silver lining: a moment to pause and make herself a fresh cup or enjoy the simple warmth of the new coffee in her hands. When she was stuck in traffic, instead of stewing in annoyance, she took the time to admire the colors of the sunset or enjoy a favorite song on the radio.
Fast Forward.
Gratitude had, quite literally, rewired Claire’s brain, building her resilience and shifting her entire outlook. She felt less anxious, less bound by the invisible threads of frustration and jealousy. She noticed her relationships improving as well. When friends shared good news, she no longer felt a pang of inadequacy; instead, she genuinely felt happy for them. Her gratitude practice had reshaped her from the inside out, making space for empathy, kindness, and joy.
By the end of her journey, Claire realized that gratitude had not only transformed her thoughts but opened her to life’s fullness in a way she had never known before. She didn’t need dramatic changes to feel fulfilled; she had found beauty in the simple, everyday gifts around her. And that, she realized, was more than enough.
For Claire, the transformation didn’t happen overnight. In the first month of her gratitude practice, she often felt like she was forcing it. Some days, finding three things to be grateful for seemed like a chore, and she doubted if it would ever feel natural. She still felt pangs of jealousy scrolling through social media or moments of frustration during her daily commute.
Claire decided to give herself a few minutes each evening to write in her notebook, like a personal challenge. She told herself she’d stick with it for three months, hoping that by then, things might feel different. On the days when it was particularly hard, she reminded herself that habits take time, and she let her goal be consistency rather than instant change.
Around the eight-week mark, something started to shift. She noticed that gratitude was becoming a little more natural, like slipping into a familiar rhythm. It wasn’t always perfect; there were days she’d feel irritated or impatient. But the act of searching for positives had subtly begun to reframe her experiences. Gradually, her gratitude entries grew richer and more meaningful. She wrote about small victories, like a warm smile from a stranger, a funny moment at work, or an old memory that resurfaced.
By the end of three months, Claire realized she had crossed an invisible threshold. She no longer had to look so hard to find the good in each day; it came to her more easily. The daily habit that once felt awkward had become a genuine, soothing ritual. And in the process, she’d learned to keep herself patient, trusting that true growth takes time.
Each day, Claire told herself, “Just one step forward.”
Hopefully the story of Claire better "clarifies" how this gratitude shift happens. It’s a simple concept, but it's not an overnight deal. John thought that is important for us to understand if we aspire to undertake this challenging makeover. And it’s an active process. Accomplishing anything worthwhile takes time and effort for most of us. Athletic champions know this from experience.
I wish everyone could spend a little time with Rueben. Of course a man full of gratitude would be in the business of helping people give (that's exactly what a grateful person enjoys doing...paying it forward). And, if you are lucky enough to spend some time with Rueben, you would see how beautiful gratitude looks on a human. And you'd be revved up to go for it. Maybe the story of our encounter helps a bit. But also just take a look at the photo of him below. That's how he looked seconds after we met.
How might we be inspired from the lives of Rueben (and Gene) and learn from “The Story of Claire” what it takes to re-wire our brains, get motivated, and become gratitude champions?
[No better day to begin than today and every day before and after the elections. Now, my friends, on another note, I may have identified one of the things contributing to my bum elbow. Writing on the computer! You may not hear from me for a while as I hopefully heal. Oh and by the way, what I had been planning to do in the near future is write a blog on the new book Memento Mori: The Art of Contemplating Death to Live a Better Life. The idea may seem strange but it fits in perfectly with gratitude and giving to others in alignment with your values. Though it may take me a while to get that out, feel free to check the book out. Love and gratitude from me to you, dear readers and encouragers on the journey, June]
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