Hear! Hear! A Compassion Pep Talk

Receiving kindness, gentleness, warmth and compassion tells the brain that the world is safe and other people are helpful rather than harmful. Receiving kindness, gentleness, warmth and compassion improves our immune system and reduces the levels of stress hormones. Dr. Paul Gilbert

Last night in our compassion circle, we were sharing our consolations (high points) and desolations (low points).  According to authors Matthew, Dennis, and Sheila Fabricant Linn – they both are instructive for living lives of purpose and joy.

My high points involved seeing growth in young people I frolic with weekly.  My low points were when older people criticized the youth in ways that felt unkind and unloving.

Sure, I have some understanding for why older people, who often yearn for tranquility and tradition, can get irritated with kids who are running around, squealing as they chase after each other.  Still, it’s a desolation, a downer, for me.

This morning, I woke up ranting to myself and to John about why the elders couldn’t just see these kids as sacred beasties. Then I started pondering about how lovely it would be if we could all see each other as sacred beasties (I'll expand on that terminology at some later date. I think you get the basic idea.).  It occurred to me that we could all be more compassionate toward ourselves and each other if we could.

But there’s a rub. A big one.

Being compassionate toward others might not be seen as valuable by everyone.  It makes me a little crazy because compassion is a clear, powerful, and well-researched path to the good life.

It’s a very big bummer that so many people have misconceptions about compassion and don’t see the incredible rewards. One person in our compassion circle last night said that a friend had asked her why she even wanted to try to understand someone else…especially if they were behaving badly.  They were just evil.

So…let me review a few reasons why compassion is a major path to The Good Life.  But before I blast out all the benefits, let me give it to you in a nutshell. From both scientific research and spiritual traditions, we know that compassion humongously benefits the giver, the receiver, and the community as a whole! Compassion creates the foundation for well-being, for meaningful relationships, and for a resilient society. Now let me flush that out.

The Harvard Study of Adult Development, the longest-running study on human happiness, has consistently found that strong, warm relationships are the key to a fulfilling life. As current study director Dr. Robert Waldinger states: "The people who were happiest and healthiest were those who had strong, close relationships."

Compassion is at the heart of these relationships. Acts of kindness and care strengthen social bonds, creating a sense of belonging and emotional security. This is critical because loneliness is now recognized as a major health risk, increasing the likelihood of depression, cardiovascular disease, and even early mortality.

Neuroscientist Richard Davidson, founder of the Center for Healthy Minds, has shown that compassion training increases positive emotions and resilience. His research indicates that cultivating compassion changes the brain, particularly the prefrontal cortex (responsible for decision-making and emotional regulation) and the vagus nerve (which helps regulate stress and heart rate. More about that later in the blog.).

Compassion allows us to move through suffering without becoming bitter or overwhelmed. Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in self-compassion, explains: "When we turn compassion inward, we build resilience. It allows us to acknowledge our pain without becoming trapped in it."

People who practice self-compassion are more likely to persevere through challenges, learn from failures, and maintain hope in difficult times. This ties directly to polyvagal theory (Stephen Porges, more later), which suggests that compassion activates the parasympathetic nervous system, helping the body shift from stress to calm, making recovery and healing more possible.

Viktor Frankl, in Man’s Search for Meaning, argued that meaning comes from love, purpose, and service. Compassion is at the core of all three. When we act with compassion—whether through small daily acts or life-changing commitments—we feel a sense of purpose that sustains us.

The Blue Zones research by Dan Buettner also found that long-lived cultures prioritize compassion, community, and mutual support. In Nicoya, Costa Rica, for example, intergenerational care is common, and elders remain deeply connected to family and community. This sense of connection promotes longevity.

Compassion is also the basis of justice, cooperation, and collective well-being. Frans de Waal’s research on primates (I loved the guy's work) shows that empathy and cooperation are natural survival strategies, not just moral ideals. Societies that prioritize compassion—through restorative justice, fair economic policies, and support systems—tend to be more stable and peaceful (more on this below).

Theologian Karen Armstrong, in her Charter for Compassion, states: "A compassionate world is a peaceful world. A compassionate world is a just world. And that is the world we all want to live in."

I have mentioned before that compassion is the most effective way of living.  From an evolutionary perspective, humans are a highly social species. Our survival has depended not just on individual strength but on our ability to work together. Compassion—our ability to recognize suffering and take action to alleviate it—has played a crucial role in this process.

Compassion originally evolved through kin selection, where helping close relatives increased the chances of one's own genes being passed on. However, it extended beyond kin to tribal members, leading to greater group survival.

Evolutionary theorists like Robert Trivers argue that compassion fosters reciprocal altruism—helping others in expectation of future aid. Societies with high levels of mutual care thrive because individuals who engage in compassionate behavior tend to be supported in return.

Compassion helps build trust, resolve conflicts, and create strong coalitions. This was a big advantage in early society and continues to be today. Hunter-gatherer societies thrived by pooling resources, taking care of the sick, and ensuring fairness—behaviors that still define effective social structures in modern society.

I have previously mentioned Game Theory, the study of strategic decision-making—demonstrates why compassion is an optimal strategy in human interactions.

The classic Prisoner’s Dilemma teaches that cooperation beats selfishness in repeated interactions. The most successful strategy in computer simulations of the Iterated Prisoner’s Dilemma is Tit-for-Tat with Forgiveness, where players start with cooperation, reciprocate good behavior, and sometimes forgive mistakes. Compassion aligns with this by promoting cooperation while avoiding cycles of retaliation.

Robert Axelrod’s studies showed that altruistic cooperation (helping others without immediate gain) outcompetes purely selfish strategies in the long run. Compassionate communities build reputations of trustworthiness (another BIGGIE), leading to mutual support and greater prosperity.

In social networks, compassionate individuals become hubs of influence (I see this with local people like Dr. Gene Sharratt who is highly connected to millions and is also the leader of the Kindness Counts grassroots efforts in our Valley. Same with Margie Kerr who was at the helm of Make a Difference Day for years…enlisting thousands into acts of kindness), attracting cooperation and resources. Selfish actors may gain short-term benefits, but they often become isolated and excluded.

Lately, I’ve also been revisiting Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory (as well as the wildly popular book, The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk) which explains how our autonomic nervous system is wired for social bonding.

Your eyes may glaze over here a bit, but just briefly browse what Porges is saying. The ventral vagal system—activated when we feel safe and connected—fosters cooperation, empathy, and prosocial behavior. Compassion helps regulate the nervous system by: Reducing stress responses (cortisol levels drop in compassionate interactions); increasing oxytocin and endorphins (enhancing social bonds), and promoting emotional resilience and well-being.

The bottom line: When people live compassionately, they not only enhance their relationships but also create a biologically safer environment, reinforcing cooperation as a stable equilibrium.

Throughout history, societies that I will call “enlightened” … that institutionalized compassion have been more stable and prosperous. Major religions and philosophical traditions—Christianity, Buddhism, Confucianism—emphasized compassion not just as an ethical virtue but as a pragmatic necessity.

Compassion was embedded into legal systems through rights and welfare structures. Societies with good social…including community and family networks tend toward lower crime and greater economic stability.

Whether viewed through the lens of evolution, game theory, biology, psychology, neuroscience, or history, compassion emerges as the most effective way to live with others. It fosters trust, cooperation, and resilience—qualities essential for individual and collective success. While short-term selfish strategies may sometimes yield advantages, in the long run, compassion creates networks of support, strengthens social bonds, and leads to greater well-being for all.

Compassion integrates everything that makes life fulfilling: deep relationships, resilience, meaning, and a harmonious society. It aligns with both ancient wisdom and modern science. Whether we are caring for ourselves, others, or the world, compassion is the force that makes life not just good—but truly great.

However, compassion doesn’t yell loudly in the world (though I’m trying), it doesn’t scream in the headlines. People actually fear it. Why?

Misconceptions for one thing. Many believe that compassion means being overly soft or passive. However, research (including from Dr. Kristin Neff and Dr. Paul Gilbert) shows that compassion requires strength and courage. It often involves setting boundaries and taking action, not just feeling sorry for someone.

Compassion does not mean always saying yes or being a doormat. True compassion includes self-compassion, which means recognizing when to say no to protect one’s well-being.

Compassion is not pity.  Pity creates distance (“I feel sorry for you”), whereas compassion fosters connection (“I suffer with you; I’m human too and want to help”).

Many people struggle with self-compassion, thinking it is selfish or indulgent. However, self-compassion (as defined by Neff) is essential for sustaining compassion for others.

Why else is compassion a hard sell even though it is SO very beneficial for us all?  Some people worry that opening their hearts to others’ suffering will drain them emotionally. This is why self-care and self-compassion are necessary for sustainable compassion.

Some fear that if they show too much kindness, others will exploit them. Healthy compassion, however, includes setting limits and practicing discernment.

A common fear among those who want to help is, “What if I can’t fix the problem?” Compassion does not require fixing everything—just showing up and offering support can make a difference. We have learned that a lot in our compassion circle.  We call it “sitting on the porch” with others.

Okay, so there you have it about why we must get more motivated around compassion and somehow get up the gumption and intelligence to break through those misconceptions and fears.

Now here is where I had planned to get back to my sacred beastie concept.  However, I’ve decided to save sacred beasties for another day since my compassion pep talk has filled a lot of space. The hope is that it’s given us all a motivational boost to practice compassion. Please!

Let's assume we are united on this. How might we get going?   

First, start with self-compassion. Treat yourself as you would a good friend. When you are struggling, take a self-compassion break.  Pause and tell yourself something like:

• "This is a moment of suffering."

• "Suffering is part of being human."

• "May I be kind to myself in this moment."

Second, start with small gestures of kindness to others.

• Offer a kind word to someone who looks down.

• Practice active listening without rushing to fix.

• Hold space for a friend’s emotions without judgment (remember the idea of sitting on the porch together).

  
  

Third, work with your judgments of others (like I’m trying to do with people who criticize my sacred beastie kids, they are sacred beasties too.  As am I. As are you.) When we are judging someone harshly, pause and consider:

• "What might this person be going through?" (what are their fears, longings, wounds)

• "How would I feel in their situation?"

  
  

Wrapping it up – compassion is a MAJOR, big-time, over-the-top path to living a good life. We know that from biology, from evolution, from game theory, from neuroscience, from psychology, and from our wisdom literature. Compassion helps us de-stress, feel safe, be happy, and create awesome relationships, and flourishing societies together. We can do it. And we will have a lot more high points than low points in our lives.

For the umpteenth time, how might we journey together to the Good Life by understanding the benefits of compassion, get past the challenges, and start practicing it?

 Addendum:

Gene Sharratt, Kindness Counts mastermind who took this photo, convinced John and me to carry one of the Kindness Counts banners and to march along with a few others in the smallest St. Paddy's Day Parade in the world again this year. That's Margie Kerr, the long-time head pusher of making a difference, (in her early 80's somewhere) enthusiastically bee-ing kind. We were received encouraging endorsement for kindness with cheers and clapping from folks along the way.