“Imbalanced systems, whether internal or external, will tend to polarize.”
― Richard C. Schwartz, Internal Family Systems Therapy
“Parts are little inner beings who are trying their best to keep you safe.”
We had our weekly compassion circle Tuesday. The main topic was self-compassion... as the foundation for compassion toward others. Our weekly work was to notice when we could use self-compassion - that is, be aware of our needs. Then, we were to notice how we extended compassion to ourselves (what sort of phrases did we use or behaviors did we turn to). Afterwards we were to pay attention to how it worked out (for example, did it help us be more compassionate to others?).
What many of us run into when we become aware of the voices inside us is that we have inner conflicting needs, different inner voices clamoring for attention. And there's usually a quite critical voice inside of us telling us how bad we are. How we need to shape up. How we are worthless. How everyone else is doing better than we are.
Let me give you an example. There’s a process called Voice Dialogue. In that process you listen to the parts of yourself that are in conflict and try to work out a solution. That’s the basic idea. Here’s a real example.
I was working with a woman years ago who was angry with herself for not exercising. Every day she made a new commitment to exercise, told herself the importance of exercising, looked at herself in the mirror, and tried to shame and berate herself into getting up the next morning and going for a run. Yet it never seemed to happen.
When we went through the voice dialogue process, the part that did not want to get up, that part of herself that did not want to exercise, said something like, “You are always pushing me to do this, to do that. You never let me rest, get with friends, do anything fun. I hate the life you want me to live. I would rather die.” (And what she usually did was get up after thirty minutes of tossing and turning, hunt down her husband, and yell at him.)
When the “pushy” part of herself heard this, she had greater compassion for that part of herself who needed some attention. She worked out a deal that involved more balance and understanding of that side of herself. And I’m happy to say she became a more fit, happy person. Counter-intuitive I know.
The first thing to consider is that we have different needs which can be in conflict if we don’t know how to appreciate them and help them live together in harmony. Paul Gilbert, a prominent psychologist, developed the concept of Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT), which explores how three core motivations (which originate from three different “systems”) influence our behavior and are responsible for our internal conflict:
Threat System (Protect): This system is activated by danger or perceived threats, triggering fight, flight, or freeze responses. It’s associated with feelings like fear, anger, and self-criticism, aiming to ensure survival.
Drive System (Achieve): This motivation pushes us toward rewards, accomplishments, and acquiring resources. It’s linked to ambition, excitement, and dopamine-driven behaviors, but over-reliance can lead to burnout or disconnection.
Soothing System (Connect): This system promotes feelings of safety, calm, and connection, fostering warmth, care, and self-compassion. It balances the other systems and is crucial for emotional resilience and well-being.
Gilbert’s work emphasizes that cultivating the Soothing System through self-compassion practices helps regulate the Threat and Drive Systems, reducing self-criticism and promoting a healthier, more balanced mindset. (And, counterintuitively, helps us be less defensive.)
With that in mind. I’d like to offer a story. I’ll call it No Enemies Within: A Story of Three Wolves and let me start with reminding you of that the two wolves legend which I've written about and many know.
In Cherokee (or Lakota or whatever one you’ve heard) legend, the story of the two wolves has long been used to symbolize the battle between our better nature and our darker impulses. While this tale captures the tension within human behavior, it oversimplifies the complexity of our inner world.
It frames our motivations as being at war, forcing a choice between "good" and "bad." However, modern psychological insights, particularly those informed by compassion-based therapy, suggest that this internal conflict can instead be understood as a process of integration rather than opposition.
Here's the new tale of No Enemies Within: A Story of Three Wolves (though I envision our inner parts or voices as more minnion-like... and our inner struggles could be a comedy if they didn't often end so tragically). I admit it’s not as beautifully crafted as the legend of the two wolves, but it’s the best I can come up with today.
No Enemies Within: A Story of Three Wolves
A wise elder spoke to a curious child.
"Inside every person," the elder said, "live three wolves. Each one has its role and needs, and all three shape how we live and interact with the world. They are not enemies, but they sometimes struggle to work together."
The child leaned in. "Tell me about them."
The elder smiled.
"The first wolf is Kinship. It thrives on connection, love, and belonging. This wolf howls for relationships, for family, for shared moments that make us feel seen and valued. When you feel warmth from a friend or the comfort of a hug, it is Kinship who wags its tail."
The child nodded, imagining a wolf with soft fur and kind eyes.
"The second wolf is Purpose. It is driven by contribution, meaning, and growth. Purpose wants to hunt, to create, to leave its mark on the world. It runs tirelessly toward goals and dreams, finding joy in the chase and in helping the pack thrive."
The child saw a strong, determined wolf with sharp eyes.
"And the third?"
"The third wolf is Guard. It is the protector. Guard is motivated by safety, caution, and survival. It is the wolf that watches for danger, ensuring the others are secure. Guard growls when it senses risk and retreats when the world feels too threatening."
The child frowned. "Do they fight each other?"
"They sometimes struggle," the elder admitted. "Kinship may want to stay close to the pack, while Purpose feels the urge to explore new territories. Guard might see danger in every shadow and pull you back when Purpose wants to press forward. But these wolves don't need to fight. A wise human learns to listen to each wolf, to understand their needs, and to guide them into harmony."
"How do you do that?"
The elder’s eyes twinkled. "By being a good leader. You respect each wolf, listen to their howls, and help them see they are part of the same pack. When the wolves trust one another, they can run together as one."
This story reframes the internal conflicts we all experience. In compassion-based therapy, human behavior is seen as driven by key motivators: connection, contribution, and safety. Each motivator has value, and imbalance among them can lead to psychological distress. Let’s review this in slightly different terms using the research of various respected experts.
Kinship (Connection or Soothing “System”): Humans are deeply social creatures. As researcher Brené Brown writes, “Connection is why we’re here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.” However, an overemphasis on connection can lead to people-pleasing behaviors or fear of rejection.
Purpose (Contribution or Drive or Achieve “System”): Purpose fulfills the drive to make a difference. As Viktor Frankl wrote in Man’s Search for Meaning, “Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose.” Yet, when Purpose dominates, it can lead to burnout or neglect of relationships.
Guard (Safety or Protect from Threats “System”): The need for safety is rooted in our biology. Neuroscientist Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory emphasizes how our nervous system constantly scans for threats. But when Guard is overly active, it can manifest as chronic anxiety, avoidance, or hyper-vigilance.
The Integration of the Wolves
The key to psychological health is not silencing one wolf in favor of the others but integrating their voices into a balanced whole. This process involves self-awareness, self-compassion, and mindful decision-making.
Self-Awareness: By observing which wolf is leading at any moment, we can understand our behaviors and emotions. For example, noticing that Guard is growling might help us address fears constructively rather than letting them dictate our actions.
Self-Compassion: Compassion-based therapy encourages kindness toward ourselves, recognizing that each wolf has a reason for its behavior. As Kristin Neff explains, self-compassion involves treating ourselves as we would a friend, fostering inner peace rather than internal strife.
Mindful Leadership: The “aware human” in the story represents our capacity to be the leader of our inner wolves. Leadership involves listening to each wolf’s needs and making choices that honor all three motivators.
Practical Strategies
To integrate your inner wolves:
Pause and Listen: When you feel stressed, downhearted, or conflicted, pause to identify which wolf is leading. Ask, “What do I need right now? Connection, purpose, or safety?”
Balance Your Life in Your Own Unique Way: Nurture all three wolves in the way they need. Build relationships (Kinship), pursue meaningful goals (Purpose), and establish routines that provide security (Guard). For example, exercise in the morning, have a lunch with a friend, and work on your projects the rest of day might be a solution for some.
Use Compassionate Self-Talk: If one wolf seems too dominant, speak to it with compassion. For instance, if Guard is overactive, reassure it: “I hear you. Let’s find a safe way to move forward while remembering our needs for connection and purpose as well.”
The Human Who Leads the Pack
A person who integrates their three wolves moves through life with compassion, resilience, and grace. The person is like the elder in the story respecting each wolf and helping them trust one another.
In the end, it is not about feeding one wolf over the others. It is about recognizing that all three wolves are essential members of the same pack, each contributing to the human’s journey toward wholeness.
Several of you have asked for other sources. Here are some of my favorites on this topic.
Brene Brown. The Gifts of Imperfection.
Viktor Frankl. Man’s Search for Meaning.
Paul Gilbert. The Compassionate Mind.
Kristin Neff. Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.
Steve Porges. The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation (this is a VERY hard read, recommended only if you have an academic streak in you).
Richard Schwartz. No Bad Parts.
How might we journey together to the Good Life by practicing self-compassion and remembering the No Enemies Within: A Story of Three Wolves... which reminds us that we have different aspects of ourselves with different needs – all of which are good and useful when recognized, honored, and skillfully?
(If you doubt that we have these different parts of ourselves that function almost as different individuals, look at the early work of those neurosurgeons like Roger Sperry and especially Michael Gazzaniga who were involved with split-brain surgery and research.)
*Now...look back at the quote which opens this blog. And please put some thought into these questions; let me know what you think.
Might it be that a society at odds with itself is simply mirroring the conflicting needs and systems within every individual (particularly between connection and threat systems)? Might that be why we seem to have these continual societal swings from one side to another - from the one more focused on "threat, guard, and protect system" to the one perhaps more focused on people matter - "kinship and connection system" back and forth, back and forth...a bit more one way, then the other? Never in balance, never fully integrated. Never both honored and respected for what they offer.
And the biggest question of all...could it be that IF we had no enemies within ourselves (all parts of ourselves were honored and integrated... our need for safety, our need for connection, and also our need for purpose), we would have no enemies outside of ourselves?
Remember that the connection system is the one we lean on to soothe our threat system when it pulls away from the pack and is on full alert. We are being told by many social psychologists and the Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy, that we have become disconnected, alienated, lonely, anxious, distrustful, and depressed.
This season, we can do our part to get re-connected, get around the table with our neighbors, friends, and kin. Usher in love and community (always in season). Our friend, Rev. Sandy Liddell, continually reminds us of the importance of being around the table with each other, to put on a simple pot of soup and break bread together.
AND let's get everyone of all ages, ways of being, and walks of life - the whole neighborhood to those community meals! The Cashmere Community Church (Chefs Ed and Judi) is cooking tonight. Ham, potatoes, 4 bean salad, cornbread, and desserts! Come any Thursday from 5:00 to 6:30.
Comments