It is easier to produce ten volumes of philosophical writings than to put one principle into practice. Leo Tolstoy
This past week I have had the pleasure - including the physical and mental stimulation of being around family.
As my sixteen-year-old granddaughter, I call her Sisi, was paddleboarding and I was kayaking alongside her, we discussed her commitment to being a competitive runner. I asked her how she saw high school and collegiate running fitting into her pillars of a good life. She's okay with these sort of questions.
Sisi's answer came incredibly quickly, “I like goals and achieving hard things. I like being around people who also like achieving hard things and are a supportive community. I like moving my body. I like giving back, contributing to the world. Those are my pillars of a good life, Juju (that’s her name for me). Running fits into a lot of those pillars for me right now. How about you?”
My thoughts were both, "Oh, wow and oh crap." The oh-wow-thoughts came from being totally impressed that this sixteen-year-old could spout out her life pillars succinctly, beautifully, thoughtfully, wisely, and confidently. The oh-crap-thought came from what would I say.
I gave her an answer, but later I wanted to think more about it. Here's my slower, reflective “go” at it. And I'll wander around a bit. The aim is to get to a place where I can wholeheartedly and quickly spout off my own pillars like Sisi (and I'm hoping you'll share yours too).
First, where I look for my principles for a good life is in evidence-based psychology, science, and coaching, my own experiences, as well as what I call wisdom literature – religious teaching and philosophy. Here is what is coming up for me today:
1. Emotional Well-being
Positive emotions are important. Purposefully cultivating both contentment AND growth by recognizing life's blessings and seeing challenges as opportunities help promote positive emotions. Laughing, moving the body (some new good research on the power of short bursts of high intensity which I’ll share more about in the future), getting together with friends, sleeping well, listening to music, being part of a spiritual community, can all foster positive emotions for me and many others. (A lot of these pillars are interconnected).
2. Engagement and Flow
Purposeful engagement by intentionally pursuing activities that fully unleash one’s skills and interests set the stage for what is now called flow. It feels fun and stimulating. Combining this engagement with a sense of purpose or vocation - understanding how we can or do contribute to the larger world or community makes it a big pillar for the good life.
3. Relationships and Community
Compassionate connections that nurture deep, meaningful relationships and mutual respect are big in all the wisdom literature and psychology. Participating in community and fellowship, providing and receiving support, and sharing in the joys and sorrows of life expands our sense of life and decreases our anxiety, loneliness, and alienation.
4. Meaning and Purpose
Cultivating a sense of purpose that aligns with valued spiritual teachings and personal goals is very useful for living a good life. This could involve serving a higher power, contributing to the well-being of others, or working towards goals that resonate with your beliefs and aspirations.
5. Accomplishment and Contribution
This is about being purposeful about setting and pursuing meaningful intrinsic goals. Being able to recognize and celebrate progress and achievements while maintaining humility is key. If I/we can recognize how my/our personal accomplishments contribute to a greater good all the better.
6. Hope and Resilience
Developing hope and belief in the ultimate victory of the good, whether in a religious context or a broader belief in the future, is huge. This allows us to tap into our sources of strength, liberating our full capacity to overcome obstacles in challenging times.
7. Physical Activity. Walking, yoga, dancing, biking, running. All are good for promoting both physical and mental well-being.
But that's a lot ...and how do we actually use it? I used to work with an editor who constantly asked me to strip things down and come up with just a few usable tips. Let me take my a stab or two at it.
Self-care, it starts with me. Things like meditation, prayer, or mindfulness, good sleep practices and eating thoughtfully is important. And other things could fit into self-care like exercise, but I'm going to break that out into a separate piece for now.
Regularly reflecting on my experiences, emotions, and relationships in my/our busy lives is hard but useful. Journaling is one way to track personal growth, gratitude, struggles, and accomplishments. Being in a group (we have a weekly compassion circle) is also a way to meaningfully reflect on how things are going on the journey to the good life.
Continuously seeking knowledge and skills that enhance my skills and engagement is valuable. This could be through formal and informal (like a compassion circle) education, spiritual study, new hobbies, or reading. Reading (and research) is a big go-to for me.
But okay if I had to pick just one off this list and come up with tips about how to live it, I would go with is number 3. It's all about relationships and connections. The research is coming out more and more on the importance of strong connections, community, and relationships (AND if we can do them while paddleboarding and kayaking in nature together, all the better!)
Many of those other pillars fold into or are connected to relationships. Sisi shared how much our relationship had meant to her. When I think about what she said, my whole life takes on more meaning, my heart sings. My resilience and hope are strengthened. Good relationships can do all that for us.
Still, it is one of the harder ones for me to live out even though I know the research and have experienced such a hearty bang from them when they happen. Geez. So I'm going to pound it into myself (see research in Italics below) and see if I can drill it down into a take-way or two. If you know all this, skip ahead.
Julianne Holt-Lunstad’s research highlights that strong social relationships can extend life expectancy. Those with strong social ties have a 50% increased likelihood of survival compared to those with weaker connections, suggesting that our relationships are as vital to our health as more commonly recognized factors like smoking cessation or physical activity.
The work of James Fowler and Nicholas Christakis demonstrates how happiness can spread through social networks. When one person becomes happy, their friends are 25% more likely to become happy as well. This shows that our well-being is deeply intertwined with that of those around us.
And there are intergenerational benefits of relationships as well. The Baltimore Experience Corps Trial, has shown to benefit both older adults and younger individuals. Older adults who mentor younger generations experience improved cognitive function and physical health, while the younger participants gain valuable life skills and guidance.
The Harvard Study of Adult Development, which has tracked the lives of hundreds of men for over 80 years, found that close relationships are the most significant predictor of happiness throughout life. The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80.”
The study also revealed that it’s not the number of relationships that matters most, but the quality. High-conflict relationships can be more harmful than being alone, while warm, trusting relationships provide protection against life’s challenges.
Socially connected individuals not only enjoy greater happiness but also better physical health and slower mental decline as they age. Dr. Robert Waldinger, the current director of the study, said, “Our relationships and how happy we are in our relationships has a powerful influence on our health. Taking care of your body is important, but tending to your relationships is a form of self-care too. That, I think, is the revelation.”
And everyone offers practical tips for strengthening our relationships with our partners and friends and strangers. Active listening, sharing activities and hobbies, expressing gratitude. Consistently checking in. And having traditions – like regular meets ups. I know a couple of women who get together for lunch every week and this has been going on for decades! They are both going strong. And having real conversations about meaningful things can strengthen the relationship. My sister-in-law has a weekly dinner for local friends and family. That's the kind of thing we're being told to get better at doing...consistently prioritizing our social lives.
With strangers simple acts of kindness like smiling, opening a door are things that the surgeon general, Vivek Murthy emphasizes for a connected society, as well as engaging in small talk.
The science is clear that our relationships are among the MOST powerful determinants of our well-being…from increasing our lifespan to protecting against mental decline. As George Vaillant wisely noted, “The key to healthy aging is relationships, relationships, relationships.” By prioritizing and investing in our relationships, we not only improve our own lives but also contribute to the well-being of those around us.
Ok, ta-do. Here's the drill down - it's a quote from famous positive psychologist Christopher Petersen, "Other people matter." Yes, it's just that simple. Add to that quote the famous quote from Aldous Huxley - “It's a little embarrassing that after 45 years of research & study, the best advice I can give people is to be a little kinder to each other.” Yep, that simple little injunction. Be kind.
All these various ideas fit into an ancient framework that supports individual well-being while also encouraging a life lived in service to others and to higher principles, creating a foundation for a fulfilling and meaningful existence. Relationships (and ways to care them) are front and center as I see it (and yes as I previously mentioned tending to our relationships on a walk together in nature or paddle-boarding or kayaking make it all the better! My sister-in-law walks while her husbands mopeds or scooters next to her. They add some adventure into their connections and explorations around their neighborhood.)
Okay, my friends on the journey out there – quickly (okay go ahead and be slow if need be), think about your take on the pillars for a good life and your tips for implementing them... and let’s talk about it. And where do you find wisdom and support for living a good life?
AND I might add here. I'm with Tolstoy (see the quote) It's clearly better and harder to live the principles than to think and talk about them. That's the real journey that I'm on...and maybe you too. (And that's where I most need both compassion for myself and others.)
How might we move up to The Good Life by considering and practicing our pillars for a good life?
(You probably will not hear from me for a couple of weeks unless my life goes differently than planned. I'm off for a ten day retreat where I will let all this soak into my bones.)
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