You have heard that it was said, “An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.” Do not resist an evildoer. But if anyone strikes on on the right cheek, turn the other also; and if anyone wants to sue you and take your coat, give your cloak as well; and if anyone forces you to go one mile, go also the second mile.” Matthew 5:38-42, Christian New Testament
Sunday was a bit of a celebration. Anna, our 11-year-old granddaughter, chose not to retaliate when her sister “messed” with her. I asked her how she was able to exert this unusual feat of self-control. She thought a minute and said, “I felt too peaceful. So, I just said to myself ‘well, she’s your sister,’ and I just let it go.”
This is super impressive as I think about it. Choosing to forego revenge.
My brother and I were raised by young ministers who forced us to hug each other after a spat. It didn't work out too well. During our required make-up hug, my brother usually whispered in my ear, “I hate your guts.”
I had the last say though. As soon as my parents turned their backs, I stuck my tongue out at him. As I got older and our spats got more serious, I pulled out the big guns. “God sees everything you do, Steve.”
If I wanted to make sure I dished up his just deserts (which felt like just desserts), I pushed him and ran to my room as fast as I could and slammed the door. When he pounded on the door, it seemed like it would burst open any minute. No problem, I had a backup plan, the window was open… ready for a quick escape.
It took a long time for us to figure out that as soon as one of us lashed out, the other would retaliate. Both of us felt the other one started it. Not only started it but escalated it. Sometimes I think we got into it simply out of boredom…especially I’m talking about my brother, of course. Still it seemed to me that we kept it up way too long for anyone with a brain.
Researchers tell us, however, that it’s the common human response – to want to take revenge on someone who we feel has harmed us. As we entertain fantasies of payback, the reward centers of our brain light up. And, I'd like to pause to say here that I am doing somewhat better curbing my payback behaviors and dreams.
Somewhere along the line, we humans allowed self-control and forgiveness to kick in. Especially in some situations. It is easier to forgive someone who harmed us unintentionally or someone who sincerely apologizes or admits some amount of fault or tries to make up for the hurt in some way.
Now I’m going to take a bit of a turn here and return on another day to share wonderful stories of forgiveness and creative nonviolent responses (I'll share one today so you get the idea).
But first, I’m going to deal with a troublesome Christian scripture which makes some people kinda crazy and prods them to resort to all sorts of unhealthy ways of dealing with hurt. Some theologians say it’s the most unpopular text in scripture.
Here it is - Matthew 5:38-42:
You have heard that it was said, “An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.” Do not resist an evildoer. But if anyone strikes on on the right cheek, turn the other also; and if anyone wants to sue you and take your coat, give your cloak as well; and if anyone forces you to go one mile, go also the second mile.”
What? Jesus, the Christian guide to ethical behavior, seems to be saying that forgiveness means letting ourselves get hit on both cheeks rather than one, and even to give away our “cloak” which was called a “chiton” and meant underwear I'm told. It seems like the way to peace is to be a doormat.
But hold on. Esteemed theologian, Dr. Walter Wink, in his award-winning book, Engaging the Powers, says that what people think this verse means is probably almost the opposite of what Jesus was saying.
First, the word for “resist” in that passage is “antistenai” in Greek. It means to resist violent military uprising.
The other injunctions can only be understood by knowing practices of that day. The left hand was unclean, you didn’t use it accept to wipe yourself. So a Roman would have not used that hand to hurt a slave. What a Roman would have done is use his right hand to backslap the left cheek of the slave (or woman or child who displeased him).
When Jesus said, turn your cheek, it would made the person pretty hard to backslap, instead, the Roman soldier would have needed to resort to using his fist. Fist-fighting was only done with equals. Couldn’t go there. It was a creative, nonviolent response to harm.
Likewise, the other responses are also creative and nonviolent. The outer garment was used for poor people as collateral for loans. If a judge says, hand that piece over …essentially taking the shirt off one’s back, Jesus says give the guy your underwear too.
Who does that embarrass? In the culture of that day, it would not have been the naked person, but the one who looks at a naked person.
Then there’s the deal with walking an extra mile. In Jesus’s time, Roman soldiers were regulated to some extent. They could harass, but not so much as to cause an uprising. They made the Jews carry their heavy packs. The Jews and Palestinians hated it. But they could only do it for a specified amount, one mile. If a soldier demanded that he carry the pack for longer, the soldier could be punished.
How fun would it have been to see a Roman soldier grabbing you, a peasant, to carry his pack and you... just smile. Then after a mile, you gleefully keep on going. Can you imagine the soldier begging you for his pack back?
Makes me smile at the creative nonviolent response being proposed. And maybe it made others smile a couple of thousand years ago. Especially in a culture where revenge would have brought only more misery.
How might we adopt this concept today? Let’s start with parenting. You have a little rascal who refuses to do his family chore, set the table each evening at 6:00. What’s a creative, non-coercive way to work with the kid?
Here’s what one mother did. She discussed the situation with the kid a couple of times. No change in behavior. The rest of the family thought they’d just do it for him. The mom said that wouldn’t be helping him change his behavior.
Instead, on the third night of non-compliance the mother served the spaghetti noodles smack dab on top of the wooden table in front of each person. Then she spooned the sauce on top.
Never did she make a mad or shaming face. In fact she maintained a quite calm and friendly demeanor. Finally, she brought out the yogurt dessert and put it on top of everyone’s spaghetti.
Yes, the kid was bug-eyed as the family ate their food without plates and silverware, but it didn’t happen again. It was simply the logical consequence.
That's one of the many great stories in a wonderful, older book (1997) written by Matthew and Dennis Linn and Sheila Fabricant Linn called Don’t Forgive Too Soon. It looks like a kid’s book with it’s cartoons and simple reading, but it’s a treasure.
The Linns have presented to the American Medical Association, numerous universities, and given conferences in over forty countries. Their mission is to help people heal physically, emotionally, and spiritually. One is a therapist, one a minister, and one a priest.
I like a couple of the blurbs on the back of the book, “In this valuable little book, the Linns untangle a complex issue for many Christians—how to stand up for one’s rights and be forgiving at the same time.”
Father Richard Rohr who has a huge following writes this, “As with the Linn’s other books, my only disappointment with Don’t Forgive Too Soon is that not all my own listeners have read it yet. It would save me hours of questions and answers from folks who have never been given good theology, good psychology or good discernment tools. This book will be on my required reading list in the future.
I woke up early this morning re-reading some of the wonderfully outrageous stories. Most of them just make me smile. The stories come from all of life’s arenas. I’m asking our weekly compassion circle members to read it this month. Why? Because, yes, even today we still hurt others and have been hurt ourselves. Duh. We squabble, we say unkind things, we get bored and take it out on others. We war with each other.
And by the way, I was reading an article on revenge put out by the American Psychological Association some years ago. The article claims that 3 out of 5 mass school murders are done by someone who aimed for revenge.
And that brings me to the ancient imperative to live by The Golden Rule so we don't get into all this revenge drama. More on that and how the Golden Rule incorporates the best of game theory and mathematics coming up.
In the meantime:
How might we notice our desire for revenge and think of creative, nonviolent and effective ways of responding which are healing for us all?
And now for a little bonus for those of you have read this far. A poem about encountering poop throwers from Reverend Steve Garnaas-Holmes. It could help you stop from seeking revenge. (Or maybe you'll be like Anna and feel too peaceful to react to a slight... remembering it's just your sister or brother.)
Dearly Beloved,
Grace and Peace to you.
Walking near the shore
I knew I was too near piping plover nests
because a bird dive-bombed me,
pooping on me.
She was trying to scare me away,
with the only thing she had at hand.
When people do or say things to make you feel bad,
that don't offer any information or perspective,
but are only intended to make you feel like shit,
don't take it literally;
they're just throwing their own poop.
They're afraid, and defending something important to them
with all they have access to:
their fear and bitterness.
You don't need to avoid them—but don't fling back.
Just know they're feeling threatened and at a loss;
and be curious what is so dear to them;
and look for ways to help them use words instead of poop.
Meanwhile duck as you can,
and, if you need to, carry an umbrella
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