“A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.” - Dr. Christopher Germer, self-compassion expert
Several experiences have been rattling around in my brain, disturbing my heart, and creating inner chaos the last few days. One is the murder of the UnitedHealthcare CEO, Brian Thompson (salary of 10 million a year), which seems to have galvanized outrage over the denial of insurance claims rather than empathy for him. I get it though I am not condoning it (we have this insurance). Evidently, despite spending a lot of money on their health care insurance, the company has denied people over a third of their claims.
Another heart disturbance is around meeting some quite nice Cashmere folks who are part of a group they are calling “The Collective” (according to them with over 400 members - that's a lot of our little village). Then I checked some video clips. It seems they have a "prophetess" who seems to be prepping them for war. Somebody please tell me I'm not getting that right. I was expecting to see people following the way of Jesus. You know, trying to hold the world together using tools like the golden rule, compassion, and scriptures around loving your neighbor, even your enemy.
And then several young teens recently confided to me that they had on-going, wake-them-up-in the-middle-of-the-night suicidal thoughts…and when you hear about what’s happened to them, who could not be traumatized?
I found myself imagining looking at our little blue dot...and longing...deeply for someone...someone incredibly wonderful to pop up and set the world straight, right. Not just deal with this chaos, but also make sure people have jobs and shelter and education and food. Stop the wars and being evil to each other. Usher in kindness and love for each other and ourselves.
Then I thought, "June, you are having an Advent moment." Some may not know about Advent. But most do. It’s a Christian season that embodies a primal sort of universal inner longing during the darkest time of the year. What sort of longing? Longing for someone to set the world straight.
The ritual around advent includes, in the four weeks before Christmas (at least following the protestant tradition), lighting the candles of hope, peace, joy, and love as passages are read. Basically it is designed to help us all hang in there, journey together, and move forward toward healing and wholeness.
The primal longing reminds me of the experience captured in that passage in Isaiah where the prophet cries, “Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down….”
So how am I coping with this inner chaos and how might what I'm doing help you in this season? Mainly I am thinking a lot of self-compassion practice is in order.
Now Christians and others as well can have problems with practicing self-compassion. I’m going to offer you a story aimed at both Christians and non Christians for these Advent days. It's more aimed at inner chaos of Christmas busyness, but self-compassion applies to all sorts of situations where we need to be a friend to ourselves.
The Gift of Self-Compassion (Finding Grace for Yourself This Advent Season)
Advent is a season of anticipation and preparation, a time to reflect on hope, love, joy, and peace. Yet, for many, the weeks leading to Christmas can be overwhelming, filled with obligations, expectations, and a relentless drive to “do it all.” For others…deep sadness for various reasons.
What if this Advent, you gave yourself a gift often overlooked—the gift of self-compassion? Whether you’re grounded in Christian faith or simply seeking greater peace and balance, self-compassion is a practice that can help you enter this season with a heart ready to receive and to give.
A Story of Awakening
Consider Sarah’s story (I am making it up from a compilation of real people I know). A dedicated professional and loving mother, Sarah always worked to create a magical Christmas for her family. Her days were filled with decorating, baking, and buying gifts, all while juggling the demands of work and family. And as the season progressed, she felt increasingly drained. Some nights she found herself longing for a different life, or no life at all. Eternal blackout.
One December evening, overwhelmed by guilt for snapping at her children and angry at her own inner sabotaging voice, Sarah reflected on Advent – the timeless journey toward hope, peace, joy, and love in the midst of darkness. She realized she wasn’t really on the right track for that journey. A small voice within asked, “What if you showed yourself the grace you so freely give others?” That moment marked the beginning of her journey toward self-compassion.
What is Self-Compassion?
At its heart, self-compassion is the practice of treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you’d offer a dear friend. Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in the field, identifies three components:
Self-kindness: Responding to your own struggles with warmth rather than criticism.
Common humanity: Recognizing that imperfection is a shared human experience.
Mindfulness: Being present with your emotions without judgment.
For Christians, this aligns with the Advent message of grace. The coming of Christ is a reminder that we are deeply loved, imperfections and all. Jesus’ call to “love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:31) presumes that loving oneself is not selfish but necessary.
For others, self-compassion is equally transformative. It fosters emotional resilience, reduces anxiety, and enhances well-being. The Advent themes of hope, peace, joy, and love can resonate universally as a call to extend these virtues inward as well as outward.
The Practice of Self-Compassion
Sarah began to integrate self-compassion into her Advent rituals. When she felt the weight of expectations or grief or loneliness or anxiety, she paused to acknowledge her feelings: “This is a challenging time, my feelings are understandable.”
She also reimagined her holiday to-do list, prioritizing moments of connection and letting go of perfection. One evening, as her family gathered around the tree, she whispered a prayer of gratitude—not for a flawless Christmas but for the gift of being present.
Spiritual and Practical Implications
For Christians, self-compassion is deeply rooted in the Advent story. The Incarnation—God coming down from "the heavens" —reminds us of our inherent worth and invites us to live in the light of grace. Psalm 46:10 calls us to “be still and know that I am God,” a reminder to release our striving and rest in divine love.
For non-Christians, the principles of self-compassion align with mindfulness and intentional living. Ellen Langer, a leading mindfulness researcher, emphasizes that noticing our experiences without judgment can transform how we navigate life. This season of preparation can be a time to reflect on what truly matters and let go of what doesn’t.
Ideas for An Advent or Adventurous Self-Compassion Journey
Pause and Reflect: Carve out a few moments each day to ask yourself, “How am I really doing?” Offer yourself the same kindness you’d offer a loved one. Feel free to use John’s mother’s everyday mantra, “I’m doing the best I can with what I’ve got.” A friend added to that, “Then wait for the magic to happen.”
Reframe Expectations: Recognize that the season’s beauty lies in connection, not perfection. Connection to your own inner self who longs for a world set right counts.
3. Create Sacred, Meditative, or Quiet Space: Light a candle each evening as a symbol of hope, peace, love, and joy. Use this time to breathe, pray, or simply rest. As you light the candles of Advent—hope, peace, joy, and love—let their glow remind you to extend these blessings inward. In doing so, you’ll be better equipped to share them with the world.
Extend the Gift: As you cultivate self-compassion, notice how it naturally spills over to others, enriching your relationships.
A Gift for All Seasons
By practicing self-compassion, in my Sarah story, we see that she embraces a deeper connection to the true spirit of Advent. She discovers that loving herself is not at all at odds with loving others—it is the foundation for it.
Whether your heart is drawn to the ancient traditions of Advent or to the universal desire for peace and renewal, self-compassion is a gift worth unwrapping this season. It’s an act of grace that prepares you—not just for Christmas but for a life lived with greater joy and purpose.
And let me put a couple of ending thoughts in here. One is a quote from a Benedictine nun, Sister Macrina Wiederkehr:
“Oh God, help me believe the truth about myself, no matter how beautiful it is.”
The other thought that comes to me, as I see Christian groups taking self-defense instruction, survival classes, and shooting guns; is from a book I’m reading called The Message of Jesus by Rev. Adam Hamilton:
“…the central ethical command of his teaching is the call to love (agape)…. This is the defining mark of the Christian life. It is not a feeling, but a way of living and being. It is reflected in kindness, generosity, compassion, and forgiveness…. if you don’t get this, you’ve missed the message of Christ altogether.”
How might we all take this Advent season to intentionally journey toward hope, peace, joy, love for ourselves and others… and honor our deep longings for someone to set the world right? What if we are the ones we are longing for?
And here are Self-compassion quotes I shared with our weekly compassion circle (and I offer these to the man who told me he hates himself; stay tuned, this is a big subject. More to come):
“Where we think we need more self-discipline, we usually need more self-love.”-Tara Mohr
“Self-compassion is like a muscle. The more we practice flexing it, especially when life doesn’t go exactly according to plan (a frequent scenario for most of us), the stronger and more resilient our compassion muscle becomes.”- Sharon Salzberg
“You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try accepting yourself and see what happens.” -Louise Hay
"When we truly care for ourselves, it becomes possible to care far more profoundly about other people. The more alert and sensitive we are to our own needs, the more loving and generous we can be toward others.” –Eda LeShan
“True love of self is not narcissistic, nor is it even self-centered. Those traits are nothing but the contrived window-dressing of self-hate. True love of self is simple acceptance. Without it, you can never be happy, nor even fully healthy. Without it, you can never love others.” -Dharma Singh Khalsa M.D. and Cameron Stauth
“I learned…that sometimes there is just very little in life we can control. But one thing we can always control is how we treat ourselves. And that one thing can change everything.” -Leanna Tankersley
“Perfectionism is self-abuse of the highest order.”-Anne Wilson Schaef
“How much we know and understand ourselves is critically important, but there is something that is even more essential to living a wholehearted life: loving ourselves." -Brené Brown
" While you might think it's a trick, having affection for one's goofy, crabby, annoying, lovely self is home. This has been my meager salvation.” -Anne Lamott (I love her)
“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.” -Jack Kornfield
“Compassion for others begins with kindness to ourselves.”-Pema Chodron
“We can still be crazy after all these years. We can still be angry after all these years. We can still be timid or jealous or full of feelings of unworthiness. The point is... not to try to throw ourselves away and become something better. It's about befriending who we already are." -Pema Chodron
"If we take good care of ourselves, we help everyone. We stop being a source of suffering to the world, and we become a reservoir of joy and freshness." ~ Thich Nhat Hanh, How to Love
And from my friend, Gina, who uses what she calls "Garden Doodling" as a meditative practice. What a great way to befriend yourself. Prepare for the upcoming week of advent, Joy.
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