Holding hands is a promise to one another that, for just a moment, the two of you don't have to face the world alone. (Quote shared on social media sites)
Gratitude is the direct way out of comparison. (Sentiment expressed in different words by a number of researchers and writers)
Sometimes we may wonder what to do to help ease someone’s physical pain, especially someone close to us like a friend or family member. I am thinking about this particularly today as I am dealing with painful tendonitis (perhaps) in my elbow and noticing how my husband’s actions have helped. Sure, get them some acetaminophen, alternate hot and cold, rub a little NSAID into the joint if you’re dealing with tendonitis, but there’s something much simpler which is incredibly effective, and we really don’t know exactly why…though we often do it automatically.
Holding someone’s hand is enough to reduce their pain and even synchronize breathing and heart rates, research finds. My research friend in England, Dr. Jeremy Dean, supplied me with this info. He is following up on research from Dr. Pavel Goldstein.
“The more empathic the partner and the stronger the analgesic effect, the higher the synchronization between the two when they are touching.”
The study is the field of what’s called interpersonal synchronization. This is about how people’s physiology and actions automatically synchronize to those who are around them. For example, people automatically synchronize their footsteps when walking together and mirror each other’s posture, studies have found.
It has even been shown that when people have a good rapport with each other their brain waves synchronize!
The hand holding research was inspired by Dr. Goldstein’s own experience with his daughter’s birth:
“My wife was in pain, and all I could think was, ‘What can I do to help her?’ I reached for her hand, and it seemed to help.
I wanted to test it out in the lab: Can one really decrease pain with touch, and if so, how?”
For the study couples either sat together, not touching, sat together touching, or in different rooms.
Then the woman was subjected to some pain. The results showed that just sitting together was enough to synchronize the couple’s heart rates and breathing.
However, the pain cut this synchronization, unless the man was allowed to hold his partner’s hand.
Dr. Goldstein said:
“It appears that pain totally interrupts this interpersonal synchronization between couples.
Touch brings it back.”
It is not yet clear exactly how holding hands is related to the pain-killing effect, Dr. Goldstein said:
“It could be that touch is a tool for communicating empathy, resulting in an analgesic, or pain-killing, effect.”
I shared some of this with our weekly compassion circle last night. One of the members has first-hand (forgive the pun) experience with being in pain and the positive impact her husband had on alleviating that suffering by simply holding her hand. I love that.
And since my elbow is hurting, John is helping me out at night by providing a heating pad and some analgesic hand holding!
Now let's shift from physical pain to a simple idea for reducing our psychological pain. Want to know one of the awful ways "we empty our own buckets" and make ourselves miserable?
Comparing ourselves - our children, our jobs, our cars, our houses, our looks, our stuff with others. We have a hard time refraining from doing it and it’s a losing game. What is the simple antidote?
Gratitude, of course! We already know so many benefits for gratitude (I've mentioned some in recent blogs), but this benefit is a big one that frequently gets forgotten.
Dr. Gene Sharratt, who can be counted on to share it (haha) when it comes to good life practices, sent an article (written by Makai Allbert, Robert Backer Ph.D., Yuhong Dong M.D., Ph.D. in a section they called "Virtue Medicine") which included a little story. In this story, a woman who is miserable and has difficult relationships because of her anger gets an unconventional prescription from her doctor, Corson. He explains why he is prescribing it.
“Gratitude transforms how we interact with the world. It shifts our focus from what we lack to what we have. Let me illustrate this with a parable:”
“A man rode his old bicycle through the city, feeling dissatisfied. He noticed a shiny new car driving past and thought, ‘If only I had a car like that instead of this bicycle.’
“Inside the car, the driver was stressed about loan payments. Seeing the cyclist, he thought, ‘I wish I could be carefree like that cyclist, without these financial burdens.’
“At a nearby bus stop, a person waited. Watching the car and bicycle pass by, they thought, ‘I wish I had a bicycle or a car. It would be much more convenient than waiting for this bus.’
“Down the road, a person in a wheelchair observed the cyclist, the car, and the bus stop commuter. They thought, ‘How I wish I could stand and walk, even just to wait at a bus stop, ride a bicycle, or drive a car.’
“Finally, in a hospital room overlooking the street, a terminally ill patient lay in bed, gazing out the window. He thought, ‘I’d give anything to be out there, even in a wheelchair, just to feel the sun and breathe fresh air again.’”
“Each person longed for what another had, forming a chain where the simplest blessings of one were the deepest wishes of another. Thus, we should avoid looking at what we lack and focus on and appreciate what we already have,” Corson said.
“This change in mindset also significantly improves social connections,” he said, “It makes us into people others want to be around, enriching our relationships and fostering a sense of belonging and interpersonal satisfaction.”
….Corson elaborated, “As a doctor, I ‘prescribe’ gratitude practice as it’s completely free and can affect all aspects of your life, not just physical health. You see, in our modern medical practice, there’s a single focus on targeting symptoms, often with medication. It’s not wrong, but it’s not the whole picture either. Many tend to overlook the powerful influence of the mind on the body.” [Of course, I'm liking the important link between mind and body.]
The article closes with Corson explaining how gratitude works to make us feel better and do better.
“Gratitude activates regions of the brain associated with emotional regulation
and pleasure, like the caudate and frontal gyrus. When we practice gratitude,
brain regions responsible for positive emotions are stimulated, while regions
responsible for negative emotions are inhibited.
“This brain activity is quickly mediated by electrical signals, which you can
think of as text messages—direct and specific. Gratitude also works through
hormones, which are slower, like a mailed letter, but more robust.
“When we feel grateful, our brains release dopamine and serotonin—two
neurotransmitter hormones responsible for how we feel. Dopamine gives us
that ‘feel-good’ rush when we accomplish something, while serotonin boosts
our mood over a more extended period, helping to stabilize it.
As we know from the previous blog, one way to practice gratitude is to review daily or nightly the good things that have happened. Some use a gratitude journal, some do it with their spouse or friend, some do it mentally. The idea is simply to get better at noticing what is going well, what is good, what is beautiful in our lives and savor it.
There you have it. Two simple ideas for alleviating suffering and boosting good feelings - hand holding and gratitude.
When I was sitting in direct care at the local clinic (the new name for walk-in clinic which you now need an appointment for), I was feeling pity for myself. Thoughts were whirling around like, "What's going on - is it gout, tendonitis, a fracture? Will it mean I can't do yoga, need surgery, change my diet? Poor me.
Then I heard a the screams and cries of a youngster. It helped me focus on the opportunity the pain and suffering offered me - a chance to be in solidarity with all those who suffer which is all human beings; and to take stock of the many awesome things I have in my life - my husband, my children and grandchildren and extended family and wonderful friends; the beauty of autumn. And I still have another arm and two legs, the eyes and ears function pretty well. And I have fresh water and cheap electricity and gorgeous mountains. That's just a beginning. Once we get going with gratitude, we get better and better at it. That's good to know.
The top researcher on gratitude, Dr. Robert Emmons claims he lived much of his young professional life seriously lacking in gratitude. But the gratitude research and the practice changed him. According to him, his wife is especially glad.
Again, two simple ways to alleviate suffering, practice gratitude and hold a hand. And, let's suppose you don't have a hand to hold - I'm guessing, a dog paw might do. I saw research from the Heart Math people where a young boy's heart rhythms and his dog's heart rhythms became synchronized in beautifully healthy ways when in the same room.
How might we use these two simple techniques to alleviate our suffering?
(What simple techniques have you found to alleviate both physical and psychological suffering? And as a teaser, there's a simple fast way to treat your feelings of rejection - take an aspirin? Fascinating research shows social rejection registers in the same place in the brain as physical pain, so if you didn't get an invitation your friends birthday shebang and are feeling socially shunned, take an aspirin. The downside is that aspirin can dull your feelings of compassion and empathy as well.)
Some recent good stuff I noticed and give thanks for:
The Presbyterian sanctuary where I will be sharing a Braver Angels message on Sunday. Yeah, just two days before elections...when we may need some hand holding and seriously skillful practicing of gratitude. I was wowed by what one of their practitioners had created for this season.
And the Presbyterians have an awesome clothes closet in their basement. That's John. my awesome hand-holder, taking a picture of the cutest little mutt. I had never seen this huge clothes offering for the benefit of the community before. I could only capture a bit of it in this pic. Holy moly!
Leave it to John's sister and nephew to find awesome little nature miracles. Those are teeny mushrooms growing on the pinecone. Somehow that gives me hope.
And I'm grateful to Gina who after retirement has used her skills and time to conduct our Stay Active and Independent for Life classes in Cashmere (she also was quite helpful with dealing with my elbow ordeals). She starts each morning with what she calls a garden doodle. It's her way of meditating and finding 15 minutes of joy. I saw this on her desk as she was examining my elbow owie. It made me smile.
Our whole compassion circle last night was reviewing what we learned from Cashmere Middle School Assistant Principle about the concept and application of restorative justice. I have written about it before but will review it in the future. It's so very important for all of our relationships. Shown here on the left is Jon. He took the time to show up with his family on Sunday to share his wisdom! On the right is the incredible Gene Sharratt who is so very generous with encouragement and insight. He's a tireless people, schools, and community builder. I am every so grateful for them both as I think about my many blessings which far outsize my suffering from a dorky elbow.
And finally as my friend, Karen, will tell you. Taking pics is a great way to boost your skills at noticing the good, the beautiful, and all that gives you joy. It's a gratitude booster. (She's also an out-of-the-blue thank you carder. Sending thank you cards is another way to boost your own and other's positive emotions.)
And, Bob, I know it was you who left these last flowers of the season on our doorstep this afternoon. Gorgeous. Thank you!
I just noticed that I have experienced zero elbow pain as I reflect on this and I even forgot to take the Tylenol.
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