“When we fully accept the reality that we are imperfect human beings, prone to make mistakes and struggle, our hearts naturally begin to soften.” —Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer, The Transformative Effects of Mindful Self-Compassion
The blog is longer today; I'm giving to myself and to you something to sit with, experiment with, over the holidays. Should you choose.
Tuesday night our weekly compassion "circle" met. As an aside, we don't actually sit in a circle; the meeting is via Zoom. We’re still working with self-compassion. We have been trying to notice when we could use it – typical situations which trigger us.
We are fairly good at knowing what's involved with self-compassion. First, treating ourselves with kindness, understanding, and encouragement. Second, remembering that we are human like everyone else. Third, acknowledging our emotions without getting carried carried away with them or stuffing them. Then deciding what we need. But there’s still a problem.
Should we truly use self-compassion?
Many people worry about using self-compassion. It doesn’t seem right. Seems like it lets us off the hook with our bad behavior or poor performance. It may feel like we’re lowering the bar…or letting ourselves “get away with murder”.
We’ve just decided to experiment and see how it goes. I had a situation in which I noticed that I was stressed and overwhelmed. One minute I felt like giving up. Curling up into fetal position. The next minute like lashing out. Kicking the non-existent dog.
Then I wrote this to myself:
“What you are doing is hard, June. It’s challenging. You, like every human, can get overwhelmed. Take a moment to breathe. What kindness might you be able to extend to yourself right now?
Thank you, June, for being willing to do these hard things. I know some of it is outside your wheelhouse and you are doing the best you can with what you’ve got. You are building understanding and skills as you continue. I am proud of the way you work hard. It’s challenging work for you like it is for many others. If it were easy everyone would be doing it. I am proud of what you are trying to do and even how you are doing what you are doing. And feel free to invite the Sacred however you envision that image to be with you right now. What do you need – is it encouragement or appreciation or some sort of specific help?”
I felt a lot better. I even choked up with relief at having “seen” and acknowledged my own self. Afterwards, I could go forward. I had a sense of what I needed.
My thoughts went to Luigi Mangione, the murderer, of Brian Thompson, the CEO of United Healthcare; and to Natalie “Samantha” Rupnow, the killer of two others and herself. What if they had known how to use self-compassion? We don’t have all the facts yet, but with what we know, let’s see how self-compassionate approach might have gone for someone like them, best scenarios.
Luigi Mangione sat in his small apartment, his back throbbing as he scanned the headlines about rising healthcare costs. Anger and frustration churned inside him. He felt betrayed—by the system, his body, and his inability to find relief. His mind spun with dark thoughts, and the weight of hopelessness pressed down on him.
But something shifted when he stumbled across a video about self-compassion. The speaker’s words stuck with him: “Treat yourself as you would a friend who is suffering.”
Skeptical but desperate, Luigi decided to give it a try. He began writing down his thoughts every night, but instead of venting blame, he asked himself questions: What am I feeling? How can I show myself kindness right now? Slowly, his journal filled with words of encouragement rather than anger.
One day, after reflecting on his struggles, Luigi realized his pain wasn’t unique. Millions of others battled chronic pain and frustrations with the healthcare system. He joined an online support group, finding comfort in shared experiences. Together, they brainstormed ways to advocate for change without hatred or violence.
Through mindfulness exercises, Luigi learned to acknowledge his anger without letting it consume him. He began volunteering at a nonprofit that helped people navigate healthcare challenges. For the first time in years, he felt connected, purposeful, and lighter.
The thought of harming others no longer crossed his mind. Instead, Luigi became a voice for compassionate reform, turning his pain into a catalyst for healing—not destruction.
How about Natalie?
Natalie sat alone in her room (we can only imagine how she might look); the walls covered with posters of her favorite bands. The laughter of other students echoed in her mind, a reminder of her isolation. Tears stung her eyes as she replayed every rejection, every moment she felt unseen. A storm of anger and sadness brewed inside her.
One night, scrolling through her phone, she came across a social media post about self-compassion. The caption read: “When you’re hurting, treat yourself like someone who matters.”
Curious, Natalie clicked on the link and read about how self-kindness could soothe inner pain. Could this really help? She decided to try it. The next time she felt overwhelmed, she wrote herself a letter, imagining what she would say to a friend in the same situation. Her words surprised her: “It’s okay to feel this way. You’re doing the best you can.”
As days turned into weeks, Natalie began noticing small changes. She reached out to a school counselor and shared her struggles. To her surprise, the counselor listened without judgment and suggested joining a peer support group. Nervous but hopeful, Natalie attended her first meeting and found that others her age shared similar feelings.
The group became a lifeline. Through mindfulness exercises, art therapy, and simple acts of kindness toward herself, Natalie discovered a new way to cope. She began to see herself not as broken but as someone learning and growing. Her connection with peers deepened, and she even started mentoring younger students who struggled with their own feelings of loneliness.
The rage that once threatened to consume her transformed into a quiet determination to help others feel seen. Natalie’s journey became a story of redemption, one rooted in self-compassion and shared humanity.
Sure, it’s simplistic and idealistic, but hopefully it can help us imagine, visualize, how we might use self-compassion and help others do the same.
Another situation where people could do better is when they want high performance.
Let me offer here two stories of people who want to be high achievers and better people in general. I’ll call them Emma and Jake.
Emma and Jake were colleagues at a fast-paced advertising agency. Both were ambitious, striving not only to excel at work but to become better versions of themselves. They each had a list of self-improvement goals: to eat healthier, manage stress, and contribute more meaningfully to their team. But their approaches couldn’t have been more different.
Jake was the quintessential perfectionist. Whenever he made a mistake, he berated himself. If he missed a deadline, he’d spend hours replaying the failure in his head, labeling himself as incompetent. At the gym, if he couldn’t match his previous performance, he would silently curse his lack of discipline.
Jake believed this tough-love approach would keep him sharp. He saw self-compassion as a weakness, a slippery slope to complacency. To him, progress came from relentless self-discipline, not from making excuses for his shortcomings.
Yet, over time, cracks began to show. Jake’s energy flagged as his stress levels spiked. He became increasingly irritable with colleagues, his inner turmoil spilling over into his interactions. Despite his efforts, his performance began to decline. Fear of failure led him to avoid taking risks, and his creativity—once a hallmark of his work—began to stagnate.
At home, his self-improvement efforts felt like a chore. He missed workouts, binged junk food late at night, and fell into a cycle of guilt and shame. The harder he pushed, the more distant his goals became.
Emma, on the other hand, had discovered self-compassion during a challenging period in her life. She’d read about Kristin Neff’s research and decided to try treating herself with the same kindness she offered to others.
When Emma made a mistake at work, she paused to remind herself: Everyone stumbles. This is an opportunity to learn. She journaled about what went wrong and how she could approach similar situations differently in the future—without the weight of judgment.
At the gym, if Emma struggled with a workout, she’d smile and think, Today was hard, but showing up was a win. I’ll try again tomorrow. She let herself celebrate small victories, like sticking to her meal prep or getting a full night’s sleep, even if she didn’t hit every goal perfectly.
Over time, Emma noticed surprising changes. Her energy rebounded as she stopped wasting it on self-recrimination. Her openness to learning from mistakes fostered innovation, and her team began to look to her as a source of calm leadership during stressful projects - even when they went out together for a game of lacrosse. Emma’s self-compassion didn’t make her less ambitious; it made her braver. She took risks, knowing she could handle the outcome, good or bad.
At home, Emma found joy in her self-improvement journey. She savored the progress she made, whether it was trying a new recipe or meditating for five minutes. Her mindset shift brought a lightness that inspired her friends and family.
By the year’s end, the differences between Jake and Emma were stark.
Jake’s relentless self-criticism had left him burnt out and disillusioned. His relationships at work and home were strained, and his performance reviews reflected his growing struggles. He felt trapped in a cycle of disappointment, unable to see that his own harshness was holding him back.
Emma, meanwhile, thrived. Her creativity and resilience shone in her work, and her relationships deepened as she extended the same compassion to others that she gave herself. Her self-improvement journey became sustainable, a source of growth rather than stress.
Jake’s story is a cautionary tale about the pitfalls of harsh self-criticism, while Emma’s journey illustrates the transformative power of self-compassion. As Kristin Neff writes, “When we give ourselves compassion, we are opening our hearts in a way that can transform our lives.”
Self-compassion doesn’t lower the bar; it raises the potential for authentic growth by fostering resilience, creativity, and a sustainable path toward becoming your best self. Whether you’re striving for excellence at work, in the gym, or in your relationships, the gentle voice of self-compassion can be the ally that ensures you succeed—not just for a moment, but for a lifetime. (Here would be a good time to re-visit the previous three wolves blog.)
When people neglect self-compassion, their performance often suffers in several key ways. Although they may initially drive themselves with criticism and harsh standards, this approach is unsustainable and tends to erode performance over time. Here’s why:
1. Increased Stress and Burnout.
Without self-compassion, individuals tend to rely on self-criticism to motivate themselves. While this might lead to short-term results, the constant stress and pressure increase cortisol levels, impairing cognitive functioning and emotional regulation. Over time, this can lead to burnout, reducing productivity and resilience.
Research by Neff shows that self-criticism activates the body’s fight-or-flight response, making it harder to perform under pressure. Self-compassion, on the other hand, activates the parasympathetic nervous system, promoting calm and focus.
2. Fear of Failure.
Lack of self-compassion often fosters a fear of failure, making individuals risk-averse. They might avoid challenges or innovative ideas because failure feels like a reflection of their self-worth. This fear inhibits growth and limits performance in high-stakes or creative situations.
As Neff says: "Self-compassion provides a safety net for failure, encouraging individuals to take risks and learn from setbacks without the fear of self-recrimination."
3. Lower Emotional Resilience.
Self-compassion helps people bounce back from setbacks by framing failure as a normal part of the human experience. Without it, individuals may dwell on mistakes, leading to rumination and self-doubt, which diminishes their ability to recover and try again.
Many teachers and some modern coaches know the work of Dr. Carol Dweck, her research on growth mindset which I think is some of the most important research of the last 50 years. People with a growth mindset are gritty. They know that practice and trying new ways of doing things is necessary for high performance. Individuals who practice self-compassion are more likely to view failures as opportunities for learning, enhancing their overall performance and resilience.
4. Decreased Focus and Motivation.
Excessive self-criticism can lead to mental fatigue, reducing focus and creativity. Studies in neuroscience indicate that the brain functions optimally in an environment of safety and encouragement. When people constantly criticize themselves, they sabotage the neural pathways responsible for innovative and analytical thinking.
Dr. David Hamilton notes that negative self-talk rewires the brain for anxiety and fear, while self-compassion rewires it for motivation and creativity.
5. Erosion of Relationships.
Performance often hinges on collaboration and teamwork. People who lack self-compassion may project their harsh self-judgment onto others, leading to conflict or strained relationships. Conversely, self-compassion fosters empathy and better interpersonal skills, which enhance teamwork and leadership. Now this is a biggie. Who wants to be around someone who is constantly criticizes them? Who want to work with them, live with them? Hang out with them?
Self-compassion isn’t just about being kind to yourself; it’s a performance enhancer! By replacing self-criticism with understanding and encouragement, individuals:
Build resilience to stress,
Maintain focus and motivation,
Take calculated risks, and
Foster better relationships.
In neglecting self-compassion, individuals might achieve temporary wins, but at the cost of long-term success and well-being. Developing self-compassion ensures sustained performance and personal growth.
(Other times we can turn to self-compassion are when we are grieving, in physical pain, dealing with times of transition like retirement, seeing signs of aging, care-giving, facing end of life, when comparing ourselves negatively with others, when someone hurts or rejects us, when we have a setback or make a mistake, and when we or someone close is given a challenging medical diagnosis, when dealing with tough childhood memories, for example.)
In the Advent season, this Sunday the candle of “love” is lit. When we think of love, we generally think of how to love others, but I am beginning to believe that self-compassion, self-love, is just as important.
Now don’t beat yourself up, please, if self-compassion is hard for you. It is for many of us... for really rather noble reasons when you think about it. Consider, during this “love” advent time, doing some self-compassion experiments and see how it goes.
How might we journey together to The Good Life by experimenting with self-compassion?
(I would love to hear how it goes!)
Perhaps I should have mentioned earlier that self-compassion is not self pity nor self indulgence. Self pity is the belief that you are the only one in the world with all your troubles; rather than, perceiving that you, like everyone, suffers. To be a human is to encounter times of suffering. Self indulgence is allowing yourself to do whatever you want, no matter the excess...full-on self-absorption without any thought of the the consequences of your actions, particularly on others. Both self-pity and self-indulgence are unhealthy coping mechanisms for addressing pain and suffering.
And may you have a Merry Christmas...and best wishes for a joyful season no matter what comes your way. The holidays - dark days, exhaustion, travelling, being with difficult family members, hearing jolly songs when you feel blue, can be a very good time to give yourselves self-compassion and self-care. With love, June
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