"You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it," said by the character Atticus Finch
My husband said reading and grasping this blog takes some mental effort. So hang in there, grab a cup of tea, or a piece of chocolate. I hope you will find it worth it.
Recently, I was sitting with a group of friends. We were doing what I’m guessing lots of people are doing right now in America when they are alone with their tribe. We were shaking our heads...unable to understand what’s going on with that other fifty percent of the people in our country who are planning to vote differently than we are. It was fun and validating for a while. But ultimately perplexing.
Eventually I told my friends about someone in our weekly compassion circle, Kathy, who is amazingly good at being willing to do the hard work of trying to understand another person’s perspective. And, since she’s worked on it a lot, she good at it.
Kathy, who claims she doesn’t like to read, did read a book in high school. The book left a deep impression on her. The book was written in 1960. It was enormously popular and translated into 40 languages. In 1961 it won a Pulitzer Prize.
Thankfully one of my granddaughters was assigned the book last year. I’m not sure she understood it completely since the book is set in the fictional town of Maycomb, Alabama, during the Great Depression (1933–1935), but she got the underlying theme. You probably can guess the name of the book if I mention the author, Harper Lee. Yes, you’ve probably got it, maybe you read it in school as well - To Kill a Mockingbird.
In To Kill a Mockingbird, Atticus Finch tells his daughter Scout, “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it”.
Atticus is a lawyer in the small town who earns the ire of some white townspeople — and the admiration of his young daughter — when he defends a Black man, Tom Robinson, accused of raping a white girl and facing an all-white jury. (The character of Atticus Finch inspired a number of high minded young men and women into becoming lawyers. I know one in particular I admire to this day).
Back to Kathy for a moment. Kathy, who is so committed and adept at understanding other’s perspective, posed a really good question to the compassion group: Why is it so hard for us to understand another person’s perspective? And also added: Why do we resist trying?
Theory of mind is the ability to understand that other people have their own thoughts, feelings, and perspectives that are different from our own. It’s like being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and imagine what they might be thinking or feeling, even if it’s different from what you think or feel.
I’m watching it develop in my grandchildren. When my grandson, Eli, was recently playing with a neighbor boy, at some point, the neighbor boy announced he was going home. Eli looked around and said, “What happened?”
One of my granddaughters said, “I think I know what happened, Eli. The neighbor boy was feeling upset because you wouldn't let him play with some of your toys.”
Eli, strangely enough, seemed to appreciate a little insight as to what might be going on for his friend (we often resist seeing the perspective of another - “their side”).
Being able to understand another person's perspective offers several rewards that can deeply enrich our relationships, mental well-being, and overall sense of connection to the world. It is considered a mark of maturity, a sign of emotional and psychological stability.
However, understanding another person's perspective can be challenging because of how our brains are wired. We may have a hard time accurately imagining what someone else might be thinking or feeling. It takes effort.
To put yourself in someone else's shoes, your brain has to manage a lot of information. It involves simulating their thoughts, experiences, and emotions while setting aside your own. This can be tough because our own perspective is what we know best—it’s like being tuned to one radio station and suddenly having to switch to another one.
Another issue is self-bias and cognitive effort. Our brains are naturally biased toward our own experiences and beliefs. This is called the "egocentric bias," where we see things mainly from our point of view. To overcome this, we need to consciously think about how another person’s life might be different from ours. This is mentally demanding, so sometimes we don’t do it unless we have a strong reason or motivation.
And we may resist because of emotional barriers. Sometimes, understanding another person means confronting emotions that are uncomfortable, like guilt, empathy, or even fear that we might be wrong. If someone’s perspective contradicts our own deeply held beliefs or values, our brains may resist understanding them as a way to protect our sense of self.
In short, it’s hard to understand others because our brains are wired to prioritize our own views, and it takes extra effort to think about another’s perspective. Plus, we resist it because it can be emotionally challenging, especially when it means questioning our own beliefs.
Let's go back to the rewards of being able to see another’s perspective. One big reward, as I previously mentioned, is improved relationships and empathy. Empathy allows us to build deeper, more meaningful relationships because it helps others feel understood and valued. This can reduce conflict, build trust, and increase cooperation.
Understanding another’s perspective helps us communicate more effectively. It allows us to tailor our words and actions in a way that respects the other person’s thoughts and feelings, which can make conversations more productive and less confrontational. It's a big part of emotional and social intelligence.
Perspective-taking helps us recognize our own biases and how our experiences shape our views. This self-awareness is a crucial part of emotional intelligence as well, allowing us to regulate our emotions better.
And just a quick word about empathy and compassion. Seeing the world through another’s eyes enables us to respond with compassion. When we understand what others are going through, we can offer support in a way that is more attuned to their needs.
Maybe compassion is not a big thing for some like it is for me, but surely everyone can see the value of mental flexibility and adaptability. When we consider multiple perspectives, it broadens our thinking. This helps us find creative solutions to problems because we are not stuck in a single way of seeing things. It also allows us to adapt to new situations more easily; we can adjust our understanding based on different viewpoints.
And, of course, being able to understand others helps us overcome stereotypes and bias. It opens us up to seeing people as individuals rather than fitting them into narrow categories, which is a more realistic and mature way of interacting with the world.
Perspective-taking is often considered a big part of wisdom. Part of that is not just because we are better problem-solvers but also because we are more emotionally stable. We can think beyond ourselves. We are considered more “sane". It is a marker of a healthy brain which does not get stuck in overly rigid or self-centered thinking.
When we understand others (and feel understood in return) it creates a sense of belonging – a basic human need which contributes to well-being and happiness. AND being able to see beyond our own experiences – expanding our world, can give us a sense of greater purpose. It can inspire acts of kindness, service, or social responsibility, which often give people a deeper sense of purpose and meaning in their lives.
Okay, that's a lot. I poured the benefits on thick. Let's suppose you see the rewards and are willing to work at getting better at theory of mind and seeing from different perspectives. What can you do to get better? Here are three ideas.
1. Social Interaction. Engaging with others, especially through conversations that explore different perspectives, helps us understand what others might believe or feel. This is one reason John and I are such big supporters of our weekly community dinner. And we do encourage people to sit with different people as often as possible.
2. Reading fiction is my go-to. Books like To Kill a Mockingbird can impact us greatly! Think about Kathy. Storytelling and skits work as well. I’m amazed at how good writers can help us understand the complexity of human beings – the various feelings, the different longings, and the diverse aching wounds and beliefs of the characters. I know a man, whom I had always thought of as a little “on the spectrum” because he could not quite seem to understand social nuances or even be interested, become a new emotionally aware man when he started reading a lot of fiction. I do read a lot of nonfiction as well, but I make sure to read some fiction every day. I consider it not only fun and relaxing as well as a brain and wisdom builder but also a path to increased compassion. I imagine listening to audiobooks and watching some movies and television shows could work too.
3. Talking about feelings helps to develop theory of mind. When parents or caregivers or siblings and friends talk about feelings and thoughts (e.g., "I wonder what your friend is feeling right now"), it helps children learn to think about other people's internal experiences.
We can become more like Kathy. Understanding someone does not mean we agree with them. Kathy mused that this may be a reason some don't even attempt it. It may seem like we are betraying our own beliefs. But no.
I knew a good psychiatrist who successfully worked with couples and work partners. She worked with each partner; the goal was to learn how to "jump on their partner's lily pad". They were to explore what it was like on that lily pad, then jump back on their own. Maybe that's another way of thinking about how to develop theory of mind. I used to do that "Lily Pad Method" secretly with a college president I worked with for a while. We could get sideways with each other over some issues. It helped us get back into a productive working relationship.
Theory of mind, taking another’s perspective, is like a superpower for social understanding and wisdom which leads to all sorts of breakthroughs in trust, collaboration, and cooperation. We need it more than ever these days. It can help hold our families, our organizations, our country, even our world, together.
I know it feels validating to sit with our friends and shake our heads sometimes. AND…
How might we journey together to the Good Life by improving our Theory of Mind and by doing the the hard work of taking another’s perspective?
(What books have impacted your ability to see from a different perspective?)
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